Photograph and Memories

       I bumped into this old post I wrote some years back. Reading it now, I feel like I'm reading through someone else's story.

     Sure enough, I've moved on.

2009

     Its nice to wake up with a man. It feels so good waking up with someone you feel strongly about and knowing that its not a hang-over you are nursing but something very akin to love or maybe it is.

     The hardest part about waking up with someone though is when you wake up one morning and you realize and finally decide that you have to wake up for real. It hurts leaving someone in your bed thinking that it might be the last time that you will see him there. That it might be the last time you will ever get kiss him for a long time or maybe never again. That it would be the last time you can smell him... hold him. That as much as you would like to stay and cuddle until maybe forever, it's a luxury you cannot afford anymore.

     I can't keep paying a high price for psuedo-happiness. For one, its fake and its breaking me up. I want him to stay and maybe he will but I cannot. I have to move on and try to find true happiness. Last night as I was holding him, my heart and my head were battling over staying or leaving. The good thing about mornings though is that they give new hope and promise of a fresh start. And as I kiss him goodbye, it really is goodbye. For now at least.

     I'm hoping he will understand and I'm hoping he won't hurt as much as I am hurting. He deserves to be happy. He really does and so do I. I wanted to stay for a few more days at least and spend the weekends with him before I say goodbye but I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I might change my mind. Today is all I have. I only have enough strength and heart to run away. I can't even talk.

     Last night, as I waited for sleep to come, that tiny picture of them kept flasing in my head. All smiles and happy. I want to snatch her off and put my happy face in there. I kinda wish she is off the picture so we can try to figure this out but that's just wishful thinking. I can't be happy that way. I'm not that bad a person. As much as I try and lower down the volume of this little voice in my head called 'conscience', it is there and when everything is quite, it is all I hear and I'm compelled to listen. I have to figure this out myself...alone.

     He is just lonely and I'm a convenient substitute. It's the lowest I've stooped and it's shameful. I'm pathetic and much as I hate to admit, maybe desperate. I'm a fool and I wanna cry.

     I know I'm not the most trust worthy person in the world. I have earned his distrust. I made alot of mistakes and I'm not trying to make excuses. Just one thing I want him to understand, everything I did, I didn't do to hurt him. I did what I did so I would hurt less.

     I'm doing this for myself. I can't keep holding on to what isn't mine. I deserve someone who can and will stand up for me. Someone I won't have to share with someone else. Someone who will have enough love and respect for me to never want to hurt me. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone who will endulge me and the conversations I attempt to start. Someone who will listen. Someone I can trust. Because I swear, I will do everything for the right man.

     Now I don't know what awaits me but I've been here too many times. I've been alone too long and I'm somehow used to it. I've learned to cope but I guess I'm gonna have to learn again. It's hard to start over again and again. It's hard taking the first step and move forward. I don't even know which way to go but I know I can't stay where I'm at now. I have to move on. I don't know what I want, just what I don't want and I know I don't want to treat myself like I'm stupid because I'm not.

     I'm afraid he will text me or call me or worst, see me because it will be torture. It might break every defenses I've built over the last few hours since I decided to stop being a bitch and do the right thing. I'm broken but I can't fall apart now. I have to do this.

     I hope I have left good enough memories for him to remember me every once in a while. That's all I'm asking for now. To be remembered. Because he will always hold a place in my heart. Always. Nothing beats the thrill of the first and I've shared many firsts with him and thats something no man can ever replace. It doesn't even matter now if I love him or not but since he asked and I never was able to answer him, I'll say it this once, yes I do and I do alot. Maybe in another place and time I can show him that.