The thought of you still brings her pain and with her being her and you being the ‘you’ you are to her,it forever will.
As much as she does not regret her decisions,she regret yours.As much as she does not regret her life,she wish you did things differently.Maybe then,just maybe,she won’t be caught between love and frustration the way she is now.As much as she wants to move past the past,you are in her present and for as long as she lives,part of you is part of her,for you and a part of you brought her here.She can never escape you as much as she try.
The fact that she thinks of you and feels the way she feels when she does only shows she cares.Enough to only wish you well.She wants you to be a better person,to make better judgements,to live up to the sapience of your age because the person you helped create still want to believe in redemption and goodness in people.She just hope to get her validation.From you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Her's is not a story of a lover who strayed. Not of the frogs she kissed with hopes of them turning into a 'prince' but never did, but poisoned her apple anyway. Not of the many strangers she met and held in her drunken stupor. Those are just fractions of her very thick book and most of those pieces she dared mention and shared are those which count very little to her,if any.
Once upon a time she was the King's Princess. In his kingdom of violence and danger, she felt safe. She was home. She was a little girl who knew nothing else but the world she was in and she was happy that way.
Christmas was her favorite. She would hang a sock every night days before Christmas and Santa would always find something to put in there. Cash,toothpaste,bath soap,candies...anything and on Christmas eve, she would get toys and gifts and Christmas was complete for her. Her life was simple. It was not perfect but it was enough to make her happy. When she was afraid she would just cover her ears and close her eyes and sleep away because she knew that even if the world fall apart while she was asleep, someone would be there to shelter her to safety. She trusted.
Then someone decided to change things and it changed everything. And she hated that and those who initiated it.
She stopped hanging socks on Christmas because she felt that she's not on Santa's list anymore. She still believed in Christmas and still believed in Santa but she no longer believed in herself. Because she thought that even if the world sees her happy smile and good behavior, her heart has been tarnished and she learned to hate and she knew that hate was not good.
She woke up one day and knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted an escape.
Finally she found an easy way out. She ran and ran until she got tired. The running did her well. She got too exhausted to give a thought on what she left behind but when the last drop of sweat has dried out,she realized that she need to go back from where she started to know how far forward she had actually ran.
7 years.She stalled enough.
She will be touching base soon and as eager and excited she is to do that,she is anxious. She is scared. She will be going back to a place where her heart got broken the most and she is not sure if she is ready. She is scared to see the King in his kingdom which was once her's too. She is afraid to see him right at the same spot where she saw him last.
She wants him to vindicate her with change. She want to go back to a place that has been altered by time, in a good way. She want to see him better. She want him to prove that she was not wrong to expect more from him and that she was right to hate him for being less.
She want him to give her a reason to be proud of what she has done and of what she has become.
She want her story of him to have a happy ending.
Once upon a time she was the King's Princess. In his kingdom of violence and danger, she felt safe. She was home. She was a little girl who knew nothing else but the world she was in and she was happy that way.
Christmas was her favorite. She would hang a sock every night days before Christmas and Santa would always find something to put in there. Cash,toothpaste,bath soap,candies...anything and on Christmas eve, she would get toys and gifts and Christmas was complete for her. Her life was simple. It was not perfect but it was enough to make her happy. When she was afraid she would just cover her ears and close her eyes and sleep away because she knew that even if the world fall apart while she was asleep, someone would be there to shelter her to safety. She trusted.
Then someone decided to change things and it changed everything. And she hated that and those who initiated it.
She stopped hanging socks on Christmas because she felt that she's not on Santa's list anymore. She still believed in Christmas and still believed in Santa but she no longer believed in herself. Because she thought that even if the world sees her happy smile and good behavior, her heart has been tarnished and she learned to hate and she knew that hate was not good.
She woke up one day and knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted an escape.
Finally she found an easy way out. She ran and ran until she got tired. The running did her well. She got too exhausted to give a thought on what she left behind but when the last drop of sweat has dried out,she realized that she need to go back from where she started to know how far forward she had actually ran.
7 years.She stalled enough.
She will be touching base soon and as eager and excited she is to do that,she is anxious. She is scared. She will be going back to a place where her heart got broken the most and she is not sure if she is ready. She is scared to see the King in his kingdom which was once her's too. She is afraid to see him right at the same spot where she saw him last.
She wants him to vindicate her with change. She want to go back to a place that has been altered by time, in a good way. She want to see him better. She want him to prove that she was not wrong to expect more from him and that she was right to hate him for being less.
She want him to give her a reason to be proud of what she has done and of what she has become.
She want her story of him to have a happy ending.
Antipathy And The Antithesis
If they were plants,she’d have a garden.In all different colors and smell or lack thereof.The full blooms,the buds of promise and potentials,even the weeds.All beautiful and flawed in their own ways.They move with the wind with different intentions,grow and bloom for different reasons.Love.Lust.Adventure.Game of hide and seek.The thrill of the chase.The constant search for hands to nurture them and maybe for some,just the chance to color her world.And many a lovelorn heart would want to lay in there and lavish its vegetation.Not that she doesn’t appreciate them.She does,at times,for whatever its worth.They add details to her story and palliate the boredom of her field.But they only remind her of the one she want and can’t have.The unassuming lily in the water.Right in the middle of it.The one she can’t reach.The one she can only watch from a distance.In silence.While the others dance for her attention and frustrate her.
Hormones and Rain
Its one of those days when I just want to dissapear.When I just want to hide.Just be insignificant.Just be still.
Its one of those days when nothing I do seem to make sense.Its like every step I thought I made is not even a whole step.Ive been walking in place.And I thought I made some progress but its really just the scenery that changed and its not because I moved,its because the world moved.Right before my eyes and I barely even noticed.
Its one of those days when I just need to be alone.Days like this,Im a hazard.To others.To me.Everything I touch,I ruin.Everything I do,I screw up.Its when I usually end up saying the wrong things to the right people and I end up hurting the wrong people.
Its one of those days when I wish I have love.The kind of love that brings romance.
Its one of those days when I wish Im a crier but its never been one of my skills.I just wish it will rain harder and the rain be my tears.
Its one of those days when nothing I do seem to make sense.Its like every step I thought I made is not even a whole step.Ive been walking in place.And I thought I made some progress but its really just the scenery that changed and its not because I moved,its because the world moved.Right before my eyes and I barely even noticed.
Its one of those days when I just need to be alone.Days like this,Im a hazard.To others.To me.Everything I touch,I ruin.Everything I do,I screw up.Its when I usually end up saying the wrong things to the right people and I end up hurting the wrong people.
Its one of those days when I wish I have love.The kind of love that brings romance.
Its one of those days when I wish Im a crier but its never been one of my skills.I just wish it will rain harder and the rain be my tears.
the return of the comeback
It rained not for the man she lost but for the woman she has become.
She grieved because anything good enough to make her smile the way she did is always worth grieving for.
That’s the thing about goodbyes.You struggle to let go.You struggle to hold on.
They say that a broken heart is better than a broken pride.Well,she had both broken.But not her soul and not her spirit.
Today,she will leave all those behind.She will start picking up the pieces of whatever is left of her.
Rise and Shine.
She grieved because anything good enough to make her smile the way she did is always worth grieving for.
That’s the thing about goodbyes.You struggle to let go.You struggle to hold on.
They say that a broken heart is better than a broken pride.Well,she had both broken.But not her soul and not her spirit.
Today,she will leave all those behind.She will start picking up the pieces of whatever is left of her.
Rise and Shine.
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