Mental Vomit

Sometimes when you've been in the same place for so long,you tend to forget the reason why you are there. You feel like you have to move and put yourself someplace else but where you are at now is too familiar that you think you are one with it when you actually are not.You are just a part of it,whatever it is.A tiny little part of something that if you look hard enough,you almost don't even count,not because you count less but because you would count more somewhere else. It is just not where you belong but you don't take the time to figure it out. You don't want to get out of your comfort zone even if it doesn't offer you the same comfort.

The morning you wake up, you know exactly what you have to do, you don't have to think about it,you just do.You did the same things yesterday after all.You've had more than enough practice.You can do it even with your eyes close. You've mastered the routine. It's the same shit on a different day. At times,you try to do things differently but at the end of the day, it is always as if you are just repeating yesterday and the day before it because yesterday too and the day before it, you tried little alterations.You always end up with the same result because you are too scared to take bigger risks,to make bigger changes because you are too scared you might actually change things.You want but are too scared to get what you want because you doubt if you can handle it.You're confidence have long faded.You are trapped in the weight of your own fears.So you take the same route every single day and each time, you fail to appreciate the things that you pass by.The people that you bump along the way. It is ceased to be the journey but the destination.

Those little decisions that used to get you up excited in the morning have long been decided on. All you do is just execute...just do and not think. Not even feel.

You've grown indifferent to the things that used to hurt you or used to make you happy. You think you are resilient but you don't actually heal.You just band-aid each wound and pretend they are not there.You can't even make out the difference between something and nothing, more and less,what is there and what is not anymore. You care,of course you do,but not nearly enough. You've become a slave of you own making and you find it too hard to get out because you don't really notice your bondage or even if you do,you are so used to it. You think that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.Well it does.Too strong really its superfluous and it keeps everyone else out.

What you don't know is that everyday,the redundancy is slowly killing your spirit. And then one day, you wake up and you don't even know yourself anymore.You look at the mirror and see a stranger who got lost in the world of expectations. And the longer you stay there, the deeper your heart, mind and spirit sleeps.

Neglect. It is what is lulling you to indifference. You neglect your own emotions.Your principles.The things you used to believe in. You neglect your dreams and put them behind until you forget you even had them. You neglect the pain,put them in a tiny box in your head and buried them too deep before you even get the chance to feel them and learn from them.The heartaches that are suppose to teach you something.The little joys of life. You even neglect your own impulse to reach out for things that you want to reach out for just because you want to.You become a handmaiden in a world of standards and you fail the meet those which you set for yourself.

You passed through life. You didn't really live it.