I never stopped caring. I just stopped showing it.

Yesterday your facebook status was about you being sick and I kinda wish I'm in the position to take care of you but given how you pushed me away, I had to pretend that I don't give a damn. But see, I give a damn. It matters to me how you are and though I am not that nice and I'm not a liar to say I wish you happiness and all the good fortune in life, I care enough to at least wish you well. You should really learn to take care of your body and well being cz all I've been reading about you is about you being sick, not feeling well, being cranky and mad about everything. You are one hell of a ball of negative energy.

Anyway, I'm not reading your updates because I'm snooping around but for some odd reasons, you are always on the Top Updates on Facebook and I don't wanna remove you cz you might think I'm bitter or a sour loser cz I'm not. Appearance is still important and honestly, I still wanna know how you are and I miss you ever so often and it's good to feel sometimes that you actually exist. But I swear, I don't snoop around. I don't even open your profile.

Okay...so hope you get well Jule Eric.HAHAHAH

On Getting Me Laid

The real challenge for a man is not to be able to open a woman's legs but for her to open her heart. Just because she sleeps with you doesn't mean she will again. Not even a sizzling performance can win you a repeat performance. Though sometimes it does but if you want a woman to be more than a guest star, it would take more than bedroom skills.

I'm not sure about other women but I'm speaking for myself. If a man wants to get me laid he needs to challenge my mind but if he wants to get me in bed for more than a taste-test, he have to make me feel good in and out of bed, he have to seek my soul or at least make me feel like he interested in my complications while continously seducing my mind.

I guess what men have to learn is that their penis' is not addictive. What's addictive is how he makes a woman feel good inside even when he is not inside her.

Repeat performances is when sex gets complicated so if you are not up to it or if you are not sure if you are up to it, you hit once and then you run. That's what you do. Don't ask for a second helpings. One bite should be enough because the next bite can be toxic.

Dreams Are My Reality

I'm declaring today a personal holiday so I'm skipping all classes this afternoon. I don't wanna see my Marketing and Finance teachers. they stress me out.

I have 3 major zits in my nose and I look like Rodolph. I never had a breakout like this since birth! I don't know what's wrong with my face now and why I've been having pimples so often now when I rarely get them before. Maybe I need to switch products or whatever.

Anyway, I'm sending off my brother today who just took the nursing board exam this weekend. He is going back to Bohol and relax for a bit before he start looking for a job here in Cebu. He seems nervous and as he would put it, "sad". Apparently he is not very happy and very confident about the exams but I told him it's out of his hands now so it's not a problem anymore. All he can do is wait for the result and pray pray pray.

Now that I think about it, I think I developed an allergic reaction to Jervis. I remember that after all the issues we've had in the last couple of years, each time I see him, I felt like having a fever and a sneezing fit and when I got close to him, I literally have rashes which lasted for days. Now that's what you call physical reaction. So maybe it's a good thing I haven't seen him for over a year now cz I really can't afford to be sick. The other night though, I dreamt of him. I can vaguely remember his face really. I thought I did me an imaginary partial lobotomy and deleted that picture. Except his eyes of course. Each time I look at Carys' eyes, I see his. Anyway, I dreamt of him and all I remember when I woke up was his face. He was right in front of me and his face was so near mine and his eyes were looking at me and I just stared at the face I used to memorize by heart. I wasn't sweating when I woke up and no heart pounding so it wasn't one of those chase-me dreams I usually have. I just saw his face.I don't know what it means but it feels weird. I feel funny because I dreamt of Jonas too. Why the hell would I dream of him! I don't even know him. hahaha!

He said "It's never goodbye, its only see you later"

Is it really?

The thing about moving on is that you don't really move on completely. At least not right away and sometimes even, never.

I only learned to ignore his presence and accept his absence.

I know one day, maybe soon, I will see him again. So I guess it's a "see you later" but it doesn't mean that I will fall back into an old habit. That's just what he was. An addiction that I had to get rid off. I might be seeing him later but there will be no relapse. I'm not closing my doors, not saying never, but right now, i feel like "goodbye" and i'll do what I can to keep it that way. He can and will break my heart and that's scary. He is bad for me.

I still miss him though. I miss talking to him.I didn't just lost me a lover but I lost me a friend. He didn't. I'm still his friend but he is no longer mine. He can trust me still, I know I can't trust him. I guess friendship can go one-way.

And I miss getting laid.

I like this whole idea of starting over. I like it that I am always given second, third and nth-time chances to make things right. I like the thought of me keeping my focus, knowing what I want and actually going out there and getting it.

I'm definitely wiser. Sometimes,it takes a major heartbreak to push me forward and gather up my pieces all together. It took one big blow to knock me back on my senses.

For the first time in years, i feel like there is something to look forward to. For the first time in years, I feel the ease and the calm and the happiness of being alone. I have peace and one day, I'll find love.

My life is what I make it.

Too little time too much to do. My mind is so off you.

I've been looking for this picture which I just can't find. I forgot where I saved it. School starts tomorrow. I'll be overly busy beginning then. I'm glad my schedule is arranged and I get Saturdays and Sundays off and I get Friday nights to spend with my friends. I'm excited. I've got a million things to do and buy but I'll try to squeeze all errands in the 2hour daily gap between work and my classes. Good thing there's a mall right in front of the school. I need to get my license. I'll take care of that next Friday.

Starting Over Yet Again

I've licked my wounds long enough. I've savored the pain and embraced the longing. I've moved forward. I got up before I completely imploded. I'm better.

And so I'm back.



The last letter was sent.
It said I miss you.
Everyday.
I still do.

The last letter was received.
It said love, live, laugh.
I hope that's what you are doing.
I can only wish you well.

The last goodbye was said.
Just in time.
My first love broke my heart.
For the last time.

Knowing is always better than not knowing.

Knowing is always better than not knowing.

I'm just liberated.

Thank you for setting me free. Now I can finally move on.

Thank you for the ride. I had fun. Some bumps were painful but you helped me move. I got somewhere one way or another. I moved and I learned and that's all that matters now really.

Forgetting is Easy...For You.

It hurts to be forgotten. More than anything else.

Sunday:

The beach was beautiful. The music was good. The night was made to make memories.I was standing there in the middle of the crowd. Cj was on the phone with her friend. I was trying to enjoy the music but all I ever thought about was him. I know he wasn't thinking about me. It's not very hard to figure out. How could someone be so alone and be so sad in such a festive night? As if to validate my thoughts, a guy came to me and asked me if I was alone and I said yes. I was. Alone and forgotten. I am not alone because I don't have any choice. I am alone because I chose someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am alone because I saved my love for someone who doesn't even care enough to remember.

Monday:

Still thinking what could have happened? Why the disconnect? I'm sure it wasnt something I've said because we didnt speak at all. Maybe he was busy. Too busy and I'm not in his calendar. Of course I'm not. He is under no obligation to communicate and I know that. But why do I wait? Sleep. Just when you badly need that escape, it won't come. Why is it so easy to forget me and why is it almost impossible for me not to think of him? Maybe tomorrow.

Tueday:

I survived three days without him. I've always been without him but one way or another he made his presence seem real but for the last three days, he wasn't. He is not real. He comes when he wants to and I close my eyes. When he is ready to leave, I wake up from the dream and I face the nightmare. It's always like that. He is just a product of my longings and delusions. I should stop anticipating. I should stop. You can't break what's not whole and you can't lose what's not yours. My reality and his reality are different. He was only there in my imaginary world and I was getting drunk in passion that was not real. I was holding on too hard to the illusion with hopes that one day they will become true but as I go on with my days, there was really no promise of him to be there. I survived three days without him, I will just have to repeat the process.

Where Is That Wallet Again?

I lost my wallet yesterday with my spending money on it and some bill payments. I tried to retrace my steps and remembered where I could have left it yet to no avail. I hate losing something...anything. Well who likes losing things right? Specially cash. Well anyway, I'm glad I have friends to help me just laugh it off and make being "broke" not seem so bad.

Jethro is really something. He is crazy and he helped me brush off the negative energy. Reminding me of how other people could be worse off. Weng on the other hand is another story. She takes my mind completely off the topic and switched it her point of interest. Sex.




Jethro: Maybe someone else needs it more than you do.

Meloy: Who would need it more than I do?

Jethro: Someone who's family member is in the hospital?

Meloy: Well, my lolo is in the hospital!

Jethro: Someone who needs to buy food or something.

Meloy: I need to buy food or something!

Jethro: Or someone who needs to buy new shoes and bag or maybe threat his friends out.

Meloy: Oh...okay. I'm officially broke.

Weng: Hahaha! At least you know you are not alone in times like this.

Weng: I think I don't like sex as much anymore.

Meloy: Maybe you're in "married mode". They say you tend to lose interest in sex once your married.

Weng: Then I don't wanna get married.





So I just laughed it off though I was really pissed. That's just me.. I laugh and I cry. I was gonna write about it yesterday but I was too sad to write about anything.

Jule called me within 5 minutes after I told him about it and offered to send me some cash. I'm actually very touched that he didn't even waste time to come to my rescue. I hope one day I can figure out a way to let him know just how much I appreciate him.




Meloy: I wanna cry! I lost my wallet.

Jule: Buang! hahahaha sure?

Meloy: Yep...For real.


---phone ringing---

Jule: Forget about it. I'll send you money later.

Meloy: I'm still pissed. It's hard-earned money but thank you. You really care too much about me huh!

Jule: Of course. (laughing)





And CJ.. who could forger CJ. She's always in the picture and I love her. She's my boyfriend and I am her's but we are not boys. We are lovers but definitely not lesbians.



---phone ringing---

Cj: do still have extra money?

Meloy: nope but I'm fine.

Cj: I can lend you some.

Meloy: Its okay. Jule is sending me some.

Cj: Okay good. Let me know if you need extra cash.




Oh well, I'm glad I have friends and I'm glad it's just cash. It could have been worst...say like...more cash? Hahaha!

So a lot of people offered to treat me out to lunch or dinner and coffee since yesterday. I sort of became a charity case but I don't really mind. It's not often that I get freebies. I'm glad a lot of people care about me and like me enough to wanna share a meal with me.

Life is good and I'm counting my blessing.

Afternoon Delight

I'm looking forward to seeing my cousin. It's been years since we went out,5 years. Since she graduated from college and got pregnant and got married (in that order) and had 3 more kids after, things drastically changed. She became someone's wife and those cute little kiddo's mother. Amd we use to spend so much time together. Watched movies, talked 'till morning, we even shared a bedroom and we never fought. We spent childhood, college and all those phases in between, together, before she got married.I really miss her. I mean I love those little kids and I don't have anything against Herbert (her husband), he is a good man but I sort of feel like I was robbed of my Jennifer. She sort of just disappeared. Now I finally was able to steal her back...at least for the rest of the afternoon and I'm happy.

To Rowena: One day, I will write about you. It will be along detailed entry with more of my opinions and insights than your life's details but it will be about you.

A Walk To Forget

I ran and walked for a good hour and half, non-stop, alone. And damn I feel good. It feels good to be able to sweat out the stress and maybe some of the loneliness. How about that, instead of crying the excess fluid, i can just run and sweat it out and I get more benefits than just swollen eyes and broken spirit. I can chose to feel good about myself or at least do something to feel just that than dwell on the things that just makes me sad. It's a good therapy. Walking has always helped me clear my head.

I just realized that I'm a person of way too many realizations. HAHA! I think that's awfully funny. I have too many ideas and very little action to actually realize my realizations. I think too much.

Now what do I do about that?

Hmmmm... Lemme think.


Election day is over and the counting started early today. Alot of people were cynical about the election. Some didn't vote because they think none of the candidates were deserving and they don't think any of those candidates will make a better Philippines. Oh well, deserving or not, someone is going to get elected and if none of those candidates are deserving to lead the country, we should at least help chose the most deserving of the least deserving. We should never lose hope that things will get better. A president is one huge factor in making a good country and a good government but he is not the only person that counts. Every Filipino counts and we should never forget that. This country will see better days. Sooner or later.

Astronaut Mode

I need space!

I'm glad he came back to my life. Even after all the heartaches. I'm glad I got the chance to get to know him better and one way or another, explained and made up for my mistakes. I'm glad there is such thing as second-chance even if it didn't really work as well as I wish it would have.

Before he came back, I was just broken and cynical and lost and stiff. I did too many stupid things, sometimes just because I was bored but mostly because I wanted to feel again. I longed for that strong passionate feeling, I longed to feel the ache again and the wanting. I longed to love again and I longed to feel human again. Not just the robot that I became who just do what she is expected to do and struggled to deviate every once in a while just so she will feel like shes still a person and she still lives. I was on autopilot and I was empty.

Being indifferent have its pros. It spares you from pain but it also blocks you from being happy and making other people happy. It keeps you from living.

I guess, when he came back, I realized that regardless of how badly I was bruised and scarred, I'm not totally numb. I am not totally empty. My heart is still functional and I can still love.

I'm glad he came back and I'm relieved I'm strong enough to let him go again.

I just figured that what is wrong with me is that I usually map out my dreams on someone else's dreams. I map out my life with hopes that someone will come along and fill the gaps that other people have left in my heart and in my life. And when someone comes along, in the very rare chances that I let anyone in, I tend to lose myself and just get absorbed in the whole idea of being together as one. I tend to lose the person that I am. For sometime there, I forgot that I don't really need anyone to make me whole. I only need myself to complete my whole being. I can't rely on other people to fill in the void because they most likely have voids and issues of their own and most likely, they will end up failing me and my great expectations.

To be independent isn't just about feeding thyself and washing thy own clothes or cooking thy own food or earning thy own dough. Its being me and being whole and living my own definition of success with or without a man. If someone comes along then I would very gladly welcome him but I can't be all lonely and shattered while waiting. A man should enhance the wonderful person in me and not dig for that person which I'm not sure is even there.

I need some time off to look for me again. And I will find me. That much I know. Because I won't stop until I do.

Truth and Consequences

After 6 days and 5 blogs entries, I stopped writing. I got busy and I mean really busy. I went out with friends and cousins and ran errands and practically just moved on. I wasn't really making very much progress in that moving on part but I was at least trying to get back the life that I had before he came and disturb my system. I was hurting less.

So he asked me to call him the other day and I did. He broke a really sad news. She cheated on him too and now she's pregnant with another guy's baby. He asked me if it makes me happy that he is now free. I said no because really, other people's pain doesn't make me happy...specially his. I hate seeing his heart getting broken. I hated myself for breaking his heart before.

If this was a movie and I was a mere viewer, I would hate her and pity him and be happy for the bitch who's been waiting in the corner wishing one day she will get her chance to have him. But I am that bitch and I am not clapping my hands and leaping with joy. If anything, I feel like a spare tire.All the while I was feeling guilty for loving a man who's not ready for the taking, they were both out there fucking other people. All the time I was feeling evil for wanting what's not mine, they were there making room for entruders. I didn't want to ruin them so I kept my distance but they went ahead and ruined what they had anyway.

How could people lie like that? How could you say " i love you" and sleep in another person's bed at night? How could you send happy messages of love and devotion to someone while fucking someone else? I'm not trying to come clean because I'm as dirty as heel too but all I did was love and I did it will all honesty I can handle. I even wore my heart on my sleeve even if it means losing what little pride I have left. I guess even when I'm cynical, I'm still a romantic or maybe, I'm just honest not because I'm a bad liar but because lies are very toxic. I should know. I learned well.

Karma is a bitch. I will really slap you hard in the fce and knock you down until you recognize it. You get what you put in and sometimes in a very cruel way, you get more.

I wish there's anything I can do to make him feel better. He is my friend after all.

There's this woman who loves him like a man but that woman is all too damaged. She can't help him pickup the pieces of his broken heart because she is still trying to figure out a way to pickup the broken pieces of hers but then there's this other person in her who loves him deerly as her friend and that person's heart is always whole and always overflowing for her friends. And all she want is to see him through. She just want him to be better and to carry on like the man that she knows.

As for me, i'll just try to be a good person and as much as I can, be real because that is the only thing that keeps me from being completely cynical. Just because other people lie doesn't mean I have to too. At least that way, if I do hurt anyone, it's because it's true and if I do hurt myself, I know I wasn't fooling and I am still me....and I don't want bad karma. It sucks.

Breakup Diary Day 6

We agreed to talk last night. He told me to wait for him and we will talk. So like the stupid girl that I am, I waited. Then I drifted to sleep. He never called. Not even a text message.

So I guess that's just it.

I wonder what's making me do the things I'm doing? Is it really love or just my constant search for conversations and companion? I'm sure I understand what love is and what it's not but with all other emotions and intentions mixed to it, it gets blurry.

A man making you feel good in bed is not love. An orgasm is not love. Good conversations does not necessarily shouts love. Needing someone does not always mean loving someone. Even sacrifice, the noblest of all, is not always done because love.

Wanting a person to be better, to do the right thing, to be happy even if that means you will be left out somewhere feeling like a loser...maybe that's love. If it's not, then that's just plain stupidity.

I'm not an expert on love. Really. My idea of it is somewhat messed up but I can make out the difference between that and other things.

So I'm gonna go out and jog with Weng. I need that to sweat the stress out. I need to find outlets for this ugly pain and insecurities I'm feeling. I need to run.

Breakup Diary Day 5

Breakup Diary

Day 5

Imploding.
I've been sleeping alot the past days. I guess that's my way of avoiding reality. Sweet escape. Sleeping.

I've been thinking alot about love and loneliness lately. Whenever I'm awake of course. Loneliness and love, if these two were illnesses, they have very similar symptoms and at times. Both will make you long for someone or miss having someone badly. Will make you wanna cry and feel pain and sadness and at times, when loneliness or love meets its remedy, they make you happy. And they make you do stupid things just to avoid the emotions. They cloud your thinking and your whole system. They sometimes turn you into an entirely different person. They make you become needy.

Now the question is... am I really inlove or am I just lonely?
And whats the cure for love? What's the cure for loniless?
Or is it that one is the cure for the other?

Breakup Diary Day 4

Breakup Diary

Day 4

I miss him. Still.Considering.
This room reminds me of him. Everything reminds me of him. But memories won't last me long. Memories can't keep me happy. A few minutes of nostalgia sometimes suffice. Sometimes it makes my day. Sometimes it lasts me a day or so but memories are memories. They might even be altered by the mind. Some may not even be true. That's what he is now. Memory of distant past.

I didn't even bother to send my usual "good morning" today. If he remembers me without that then well and good. If he doesn't, the idea won't kill me. See, I'm making progress. He sent me his "good morning" though. So he remembers me but who are we kidding? We are just buying us time before we fade away. We fade away very subtly.

Wierd things happened today. Knowing how my heart is broken, a good friend, Jethro is trying to play cupid. He gave my number, written on a tissue paper, to the waiter at Jappengo the other day when we had late lunch and late last night he broadcast my number on a television show so I was swamped with messages and calls from starnger as early as 1am. Most of the messages are perverted and the calls lifted my spirit alot that I was so inspired to murder someone. Anyway, I know he meant well or maybe it was again one of his pranks but I'll deal with it.

A good thinker for the day, Miko told me this when I got to the office and we had a little chitchat about love and heartaches and relationships, "the success of a relationship is in the hands of the one who cares less". Does it really? Is a relationship just a game where the person who cares less or loves less hold the cards? And whats at stake? The heart of the person who cares more? Such a sad thought but somehow, it rings true.

Breakup Diary Day 3

Breakup Diary

Day 3

I miss him.
I guess I will be starting each entry for the next few days with those three words. I-MISS-HIM. Notice how miss separates I and him. Aside from the space between each word, theres that one word that makes it imposible for I and him to be together simply because if you take that one word, it will lost its meaning. Some things are just not meant to be together. Some things fall apart when they are together. How ironic.

I'm back to my old routine. Well almost. I woke up at dawn and prepared myself to work. I was just in time to be late when I got to the office and that's my usual. In the surface, everything is normal. But when I woke up earlier, I thought of him and I reminded myself that there is no him. I said my good morning. That has been part of the routine for the last few months but I skipped the lover-like greetings. Good morning. Just that.

We exchanged a few messages here and there. The usual hahaha-hehehe. Those words are suppose to represent laughter that you share with the silly jokes that you two share. But today, they were bitter. They were not happy hahaha. There is no laugh in the hehehe. Those words are there only to cover the hurt and bitterness. Even those words which I doubt are even in the dictionary, even those are lies.

I had hopes that today will be easier and I guess it is. A little. It's easier by the day but it's still not easy. I'm hanging on to every message I receive from him hoping that there is something in there that would show at least a little regret from him or maybe a little sadness that we are parting ways and maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe, knowing that it's not easy for him either will make it easier for me but there's nothing there so I guess he is fine. Too bad I'm not.

So I hang around in the pantry with my friend and her friends. Had some good laughs and for about an hour there, I successfully evaded his memories. Not completely. I remembered him in every turn but who says a person with a broken heart can't have fun and laugh with her girlfriends right? I'm trying to be happy. One way or another, I'm trying to carry on with grace and pride.

Breakup Diary Day 2

Breakup Diary

Day 2


I miss him. This is the second day since we agreed on ending whatever it was that we had. I expected it to hurt but not this much. Just the thought of him makes my heart ache. I'm sure it's not just the man that I'm aching for but the friendship and the constant companion that I found in him.

Yesterday wasn't so bad as I spent most of it with my friends and I was halfway drunk. In my drunkin stupor, I rang him but hang up. I didn't really know what to tell him. I had so much to say but my head was so clouded and I didn't know where to start. I just wanted to hear that ring if only to assure me that even if we can't be together anymore, he is there and he is real and is still reachable one way or another.

I wasn't expecting him to be awake at 1 am but he was and he called me right back and we talked for hours and I got back in my old addiction and I called back over and over. I wonder how it feels to be like him. To be someone who is so hard to let go. Each minute I spent with him on the phone makes it harder for me hang up. His voice is soothing. For a few minutes there, I felt like everything is allright. He didn't give me any asurance, he didn't even try to hold me back but somehow I felt like every word out of his mouth, harsh or sweet, is pulling me back to him.

But I have to do this.

Day 2 is almost over. When I sleep tonight and when I wake up tomorrow it will be another day and I will face it with the same hope that the day after will be easi
er to live through.

Relationship and Questions

What defines a relationship?

Is it the first kiss you share with another person? Is it the first "I love you"? Or maybe your first big fight which ended in tears and kisses and i love you?

Is it when you expect him to message you the moment he wakes up because you will definitely message him as soon as your eyes open? Or is it when you expect him to say he misses you because thats exactly how you feel?


Is it when you wait for him at night hoping he will come "home" to you and you try hard to stay awake even when you are too tired just so you can welcome him with a kiss when he arrives? Is it when you take extra effort to prepare a meal for him with hopes that he will appreciate what you just created from scratch?

Is it when you start giving too much, your everything, and you expect him to give you something back, no matter how little, just something?

Is it when he expects you to be available for him whenever he needs you and even when you are not you actually find a way to be available? Or when he asks you to do something for him and even when your not really up to it you still do it just to make him happy?

Is it when he makes you cry and you make him feel sorry enough to actually say sorry? Or when he makes you mad and drives you crazy and you demand he call you and he does and you become madder and crazier in whole different passionate level?

Is it when you talk until the morning and it seems that you have too many things to talk about when in truth, you can't talk about the future because you know he is not planning on spending it with you and you can't talk about today because today is just borrowed and it hurts to talk about borrowed moments and all you talked about really is the past which you've already talked about way too many times, because that's the only thing you shared that's true or so you think?

Or is when you try to make him understand you and you wanna yell at him and hurt him just so he will at least have an idea of how much he hurt you but instead you turn your back and cover your face with a pillow and cry in silence?

Or is it when you realized your no longer happy being miserable and you just wanna run away and start over but you don't wanna hurt him or disappoint him and even if you don't wanna hurt yourself either, you take the path where he would hurt less even if you are not really sure if he cares enough to actually hurt?

Is this a relationship? What kind and what defines its kind?

04212010

You make me feel like I'm a dirty-little-secret and it hurts. I can hardly come up with words to decribe how that feels. It's like a slap in the face...over and over.

I want to think of you as someone who loved me. Thats how I always saw you. Thats what I have always believed. Now I wish I never get to know this part of you because it makes everything that I used to believe in, all but an illussion and its sad.

Now I just see you as someone who hurt me. I just see you as someone who used me to fill someone else's place but never quite gave me the chance to actually fill a space in your heart. Now I just see you as someone who made me feel bad about myself.

You took away what little trust I have left in love. You broke what little part of my heart left unbroken.

It's sad that you don't seem to notice what didn't survive in this whole process of me trying to deal with this whole situation you re making me deal with. It may seem like everything is fine. In the surface it's what it looks like. But deep inside, that thing that used to feel for you too much is rotting.

Things may seem to work even if I don't trust you enough or not at all but what you don't know is that every step taken to reach out for you, every step forward is two steps backward.

As much as I'd like to be someone who keeps pushing forward, who ignores all pain and deception, who loves with her eyes close, I am not that. I love with my eyes open...wide...and though there are things I see that I seem to ignore, every detail is noticed and remembered and collected until one day, I get enough of it to finally make me run away instead of just making those little-seemingly-trivial-steps.

I'm on the right track. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it's still in my list.

You make me feel like a fool I hate you!

The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

Sometimes when you've been in the same place for so long,you tend to forget the reason why you are there. You feel like you have to move and put yourself someplace else but where you are at now is too familiar that you think you are one with it when you actually are not.You are just a part of it,whatever it is.A tiny little part of something that if you look hard enough,you almost don't even count,not because you count less but because you would count more somewhere else. It is just not where you belong but you don't take the time to figure it out. You don't want to get out of your comfort zone even if it doesn't offer you the same comfort.



The morning you wake up, you know exactly what you have to do, you don't have to think about it,you just do.You did the same things yesterday after all.You've had more than enough practice.You can do it even with your eyes close. You've mastered the routine. It's the same shit on a different day. At times,you try to do things differently but at the end of the day, it is always as if you are just repeating yesterday and the day before it because yesterday too and the day before it, you tried little alterations.You always end up with the same result because you are too scared to take bigger risks,to make bigger changes because you are too scared you might actually change things.You want but are too scared to get what you want because you doubt if you can handle it.You're confidence have long faded.You are trapped in the weight of your own fears.So you take the same route every single day and each time, you fail to appreciate the things that you pass by.The people that you bump along the way. It is ceased to be the journey but the destination.





Those little decisions that used to get you up excited in the morning have long been decided on. All you do is just execute...just do and not think. Not even feel.





You've grown indifferent to the things that used to hurt you or used to make you happy. You think you are resilient but you don't actually heal.You just band-aid each wound and pretend they are not there.You can't even make out the difference between something and nothing, more and less,what is there and what is not anymore. You care,of course you do,but not nearly enough. You've become a slave of you own making and you find it too hard to get out because you don't really notice your bondage or even if you do,you are so used to it. You think that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.Well it does.Too strong really its superfluous and it keeps everyone else out.



What you don't know is that everyday,the redundancy is slowly killing your spirit. And then one day, you wake up and you don't even know yourself anymore.You look at the mirror and see a stranger who got lost in the world of expectations. And the longer you stay there, the deeper your heart, mind and spirit sleeps.





Neglect. It is what is lulling you to indifference. You neglect your own emotions.Your principles.The things you used to believe in. You neglect your dreams and put them behind until you forget you even had them. You neglect the pain,put them in a tiny box in your head and buried them too deep before you even get the chance to feel them and learn from them.The heartaches that are suppose to teach you something.The little joys of life. You even neglect your own impulse to reach out for things that you want to reach out for just because you want to.You become a handmaiden in a world of standards and you fail the meet those which you set for yourself.



You passed through life. You didn't really live it.

I have this song playing in my head for the last 2 days... When A Man Loves A Woman...God! its romantic. Overly so. But I'm not writing about that now. I just wanted to share that. When my computer is up and running, I'll try to post that here as background music...love love love.

I saw an old man yesterday peddling icecream on stick. I remember it was scorching hot, given the summer and the El Nino going on and I planned on staying in my room all day to avoid Mr. Sun but I needed to buy prepaid credits so I dragged my lazy ass off bed. Now here I saw Mr. Icecream Man, sitting under a tree, waiting for some mother of a child to finish her noon-time bath so she can pay for her childs purchase. He looked at me with his sweet tired smile and I thought, hell! how could he smile to me like that? Here I am getting pissed about the weather and wishing I was anywhere near the beach while he walks all day under the heat of the sun wishing he get to sell enough to put food in his plate. Thats perseverance to the highest degree. And I was deeply shamed for being too whiny and for complaining about living such a hard life while there are people like him who barely even get by and whose life had been and still is way harder than mine but can still afford to smile at petulant strangers like me. All I had on me was 20pesos which I gave him and he humbly accepted and he insisted I take one of his icecreams. i don't really eat those just because I don't but I didn't wanna embarrass him so I took it and we said our thank you's. I wish I was able to do more. I pray that he would live a better life very soon because he is old and maybe he don't have much time but I hope does and because he deserve to live better.

I told Jule about the old man who nearly brought me to tears... and heres what he said.

Jule: Okay, so you saw a dirty old man and you liked his icedrop. How about my icedrop? Dli naka ganaha?

WTF! He's lucky he wasn't anywhere near or i'll choke him with a telephone wire which I don't have.

Anyway... Mr. Icecream Man sure reminded me that life isn't fair but God has ways of rewarding us and He gives us loads according to our strength and that He blesses us differently. That old man may not be blessed with fortune but he is blessed with a lot of perseverance and determination and not a lot of people have that. Lets count our blessings and when we get the chance...share it.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved"

You know well that you can't trust him. You can't trust him with your trust but still you trust him with your heart. Not because you want to but because you don't know how not to.

Still you wish you could trust him...at least that. If only it's something that can be given free, you would have given it. But it's something he needs to earn and he shows no interest of earning.

He is not all that you want in a man but he is the man that you want. He is a constant misfit to your ideals but he simply fits. His flaws are obvious and they're not even denied and you don't pretend not to notice but either way, they don't matter as much as they suppose to.

You have expectations and they're usually not met. You have whims he can't cater to or simply won't. Sometimes, he won't even listen to you. He is indulgent but he rarely indulge you. But somewhow, you've made exemptions for him. He is your exemption.

He annoys you constantly. He frustrates you to tears. He do things you hate and he tests your patience occasionally. Still, you can't hate him.

When you look at him, all you can think about is how much he means to you. Flaws or no flaws, you want him as he is. And when you hold him, you know that regardless of all the things he did wrong and will do wrong, he will always be right for you.

You are not blind and not playing that part. You see and you know... and you know too well but you see through what he is not and appreciate what he is.

You are just another lovestruck highschool girl.

I'm sorry that I love you regardless.

Holding on to you is like holding a broken glass. My hands are bleeding and I'm in constant pain yet I can't seem to let go. I can't let go because the broken pieces are already very deep into my skin and I'm afraid that if I do open up my hands, the pieces might fall and I can't pick them all up. I'm not totally immuned to the pain because I still feel it but I can't not have you. I just can't so I'll keep holding on and hope that one day, I'll stop bleeding.

I'm sorry about last night. I really am.

I'm not sorry about everything that I said. I'm sorry that I poured my heart out the way I did and you don't understand still. I'm sorry that my tears were cried in vain. I'm sorry that my birthday, my one day in a year, became memorable in a very sad way.

I'm sorry that I love you regardless. I'm sorry that I can't tell you that.

Sometimes, this feels like torture and I'm not really up to it but I have to see exactly how far I can go before my rope would break.

Why do I tend to hurt myself sometimes? I mean not hurt myself physically, no I don't do it like that. Just that, sometimes, I snoop around, I see stuff and I get hurt. Not that they are hidden from me. I have this thing of wanting to know everything even if the truth hurts bad. I just hate it when I don't know but sometimes, not knowing actually spares you from pain and I kinda wish now that I don't know anything about this particular something. I wish I was left with the misconception that I have long cherished. I wish...

I know I'm just a girl in your little black book.

So you keep telling me I'm special
That I'm the one you'll always go back to
But Honey am i suppose to be happy?
When all that means is you'll always have to leave me.

So you say with me its different
That you feel something for me you don't feel for all the others
But Honey are you trying to flatter me?
All that says is that I'm not the only.

I bet you tell those lies to every other girl you hold
Baby I'm not stupid I don't believe everything I'm told
Each time I let those words thaw my heart out
You always do something to make me doubt.

I know its crazy to be here still
You must be launghing at me for feeling what I feel
But honey I'm not your fool and no matter how it looks
I know I'm just a girl in your little black book.

Someday, Somehow

There are so many things that a person would want to do in one lifetime. So many people we want to meet, so many places we want to see, so many skills we want to learn, so many dreams we want to realize and somehow, life does not give us enough time. Life is short and exactly how short it is for each of us, we don't know.

Life is ambiguous. A whole lifetime seems too short but an hour is too long specially if spent waiting.

When I was a lot younger, I had so many dreams, so many things that I wanted to be and I thought that the only thing that keeps me from reaching those dreams was time. I always thought that one day, everything will fall into place and I would succeed, in my own childish definition of success, as planned. But then as years go by I realized that that someday I set when I was young is indefinite. I don't know when my someday is and I don't know which dream falls on which someday and that nothing, absolutely nothing succeeds as planned. It's not time that keeps me from my pot of gold, it's those little details I missed to notice along the way.

Life is not what happens to you, it's what you make out of it although sometimes, everything happens in a blur and the series of decisions you made and thought were trivial actually led you somewhere you don't even recognize. Its like you've fallen into a deep sleep and when you wake up, you wake up with this huge hangover and your naked in a strangers bed and you fry your brain so hard to fill you up with the previous nights details and you realize nothing you did seem to make sense so you gather your clothes and get out of that strange room and move along. It's like you totally missed the events of the previous years and that all you have is today to make up for and tomorrow is not even promised.

As I grew older, I dreamed less and less and tried to live more. I became older and hopefully wiser. I tried to live each day my way although I am not certain it works well for me. I started making plans and tried to set time-frames but usually I don't catch deadlines but I guess that's when life happens. It's full of surprises. I did a lot of stupid things and broke too many rules and hurt myself badly every other time...but I lived and I learned and I guess that's all that matters.

There's A Time For Departure Even When There's No Certain Place To Go To

How long will I last?

Should I set a deadline or should I just wait and wait for things to fall into place?

Should I be doing something else other than waiting for you to make up your mind?

I want to make things right. I tried and I'm still trying but maybe you should too.

If you want me as much as you claim then do something because I can't hang in here, this way, forever.

It's like damn if I do and screw me if I don't.

I'm consistently inconsistent.

For some reasons, it's been very hard for me to live up to my words lately. I mean, I really want to but I really don't want to also. See, there's a huge conflict there. Part of me wants to do things the other part doesn't. No gray spots here. Just plain black and white, yes and no and the conflict is all over the place.

Why, why, why?

Why can't I be as decisive as I have been?

Why can't no mean no and yes mean yes anymore?

I know very well that this mess I got myself into can only get messier. Like a quicksand, the longer I stay on it, the deeper I drown and before I know it, I'm in deep shit and it would be too hard to recover. But there are really good things here too. I feel good a a lot of times. I'm happy some days.

It's like damn if I do and screw me if I don't.

Lately, everyday has been a roller coaster. One day I'm happy, the next day I can hardly stand being awake. It's like I'm starting to develop some bi-polar disorder here. It's like I've been on both extremes in a span of a little over a month.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into and whats in it for me?

Better question is... is it even worth all the confusion?

Her heart is still in the right place. Or so she thinks.

She longs... Sometimes she dreams... As much as she can...She try not to hope. Hoping will only cause her pain.

As much as she can... she ignores the thought. Him in her thoughts. She try not to ask herself questions. She is afraid to ask if she loves still because she is afraid her heart will answer yes then she is in big trouble.

She is strong and she knows that. Strong enough to resist. To let go and move on. Apparently... she knows she is not strong enough for another heartbreak. Not strong enough for both of them. Shes strong enough for herself and for those she loves but not for him. Specially not for him.



She is in big trouble.

I like the misconception I have of you.

Remember when you asked me if I like things just as they are?

and I said "yes"?...

I said so because I just wanted you to shut up.

I don't want you to start saying things you can't live up to.

I don't want any promises cz promises makes me nauseous.

Promises sucks.

Nothing is as good as its promised.

I like things just the way they are.

No, actually I don't but I don't wanna make things worse that they already are.

I don't want you to tarnish my image of you by saying things that would end up being lies the moment you blurt them out.

I like the misconception I have of you.

Human Anatomy

Whats the compensation for feeling too much?

I believe that human body is strategically structured. That the brain is where its at so we can use it first before anything else. The eyes is set in front so we can look forward. The hands are for reaching out and the feet are placed at the bottom so that after all means are exhausted yet to no avail, we can always walk out. What doesn't make sense for me though is human emotions. I just can't pinpoint which part of the body we should hold accountable for feelings that seem to deviate all kinds of human logic.

Think, act and feel...never the other way around. Isn't this whats ideal?

Why do some people feel too much?
Why do some think less and feel more?
Why do some think a lot and feel a lot but acts very less?
Why do some cannot act what they think?
Why do some acts without thinking?

Shouldn't the brain control all actions and emotions?

Then why do we do things we know we are not suppose to be doing?

I know there are alot of loopholes in this blog post. Too many angles that are not covered. It's just that my mind can't seem to think in one straight line. This is life as I see it now. Perturbed as always.

So again...whats the compensation for feeling too much? and whats in it for those who thinks too much?

Vacation!

Vacations are almost always good...for me at least. Away from the stressful life of the city, away from work, away from "life" and everything that comes with it. It gives me renewed spirit and energy. It reminds me of the good things in life that I can have if I work hard enough for it. It gives rest to my tired heart. It makes me appreciate the world and its beauty and most importantly, it makes me realize just how lucky and blessed I am that I can take one when I badly need it when a lot of people work their asses harder than I do and still cannot take a day off. See, God is really very smart and creative. He pushes me to my limits and tests me 'till I cry but He provides me when an escape...and a really good one at that.

Now going on a vacation with someone you enjoy being with is a huge bonus. So now you know, this isn't just another vacation I'm talking about.

So we went to Tabuelan, far north of Cebu. It wasn't so hard going there, the most tricky part really was having enough patience while waiting at the terminal since it took so long for the van to take off. So if you are planning to commute, bring a lot of patience with you and/or bring someone you can be patient with.

For lack of better things to do, my date and I went around the terminal, held hands, kissed and hugged in public and pretended we were dating in a park and ignored everything else and everyone else...Hmmmm actually we noticed a few people and had good laughs out of them but that's an entirely different story. PDA raise a lot of eyebrows specially those of the old ones...but who cares? It was fun looking at them frown.

So finally after, I'm guessing, 2 hours of travel, we arrived at Durhan's which was a very peaceful place to spend the weekend. It was not the most beautiful place I've seen, not even the finest beach I've been to but it was beautiful. It was, shall we say, special. I've never out that far alone with someone, I didn't know what to expect out of the place and the whole experience so I managed my expectations and they were exceeded enormously... which makes a very happy me.

I have always loved the beach and the waters even though I'm not a good swimmer. (Okay, who am i kidding, I don't know how to swim at all.) We spent most of the afternoon swimming and the rest of it in the room doing a different kind of swimming which I'm sure I know how to do. Anyway, in this particular weekend, sex wasn't the highlight and surprisingly it wasn't a bad thing. Its a bonus though. A good good one. The night was lovely and we spent it lying in the sand, watching the stars and the moon, drinking some wine and talking about everything and anything. It was by far one the most romantic thing I've done. For an hour or so there, I was oblivious to the world. It was like nothing else mattered but that very moment, that very place and that very man I was with. I guess that's the emotion that the movies are trying to extract when they set those romantic dates and what-not...but the the movies always failed. The real deal didn't though. I was deeply... romanced.

I really couldn't describe the whole experience as vividly as I wish to simply because when it's fresh and your having butterflies in your stomach still, it's hard to think and be creative. But everything about it, every tiny detail is etched in my memory. I wish you could take a peek at my brain at see for yourself but this is as far as you can get.

So there you go...that is how my weekend was spent... and I hope you can tell that I had a really good one...if not the best yet.

Photograph and Memories

Its nice to wake up with a man. It feels so good waking up with someone you feel strongly about and knowing that its not a hang-over you are nursing but something very akin to love or maybe it is.

The hardest part about waking up with someone though is when you wake up one morning and you realize and finally decide that you have to wake up for real. It hurts leaving someone in your bed thinking that it might be the last time that you will see him there. That it might be the last time you will ever get kiss him for a long time or maybe never again. That it would be the last time you can smell him... hold him. That as much as you would like to stay and cuddle until maybe forever, it's a luxury you cannot afford anymore.

I can't keep paying a high price for psuedo-happiness. For one, its fake and its breaking me up. I want him to stay and maybe he will but I cannot. I have to move on and try to find true happiness. Last night as I was holding him, my heart and my head were battling over staying or leaving. The good thing about mornings though is that they give new hope and promise of a fresh start. And as I kiss him goodbye, it really is goodbye. For now at least.

I'm hoping he will understand and I'm hoping he won't hurt as much as I'm hurting. He deserves to be happy. He really does and so do I. I wanted to stay for a few more days at least and spend the weekends with him before I say goodbye but I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I might change my mind. Today is all I have. I only have enough strength and heart to run away. I can't even talk.

Last night, as I waited for sleep to come, that tiny picture of them kept flasing in my head. All smiles and happy. I want to snatch her off and put my happy face in there. I kinda wish she is off the picture so we can try to figure this out but thats just wishful thinking. I can't be happy that way. I'm not that bad a person. As much as I lower down the volume of that little voice in my head called conscience, it's there and when everything is quite, its all I hear and I'm compelled to listen. I have to figure this out myself...alone.

He is just lonely and I'm a convenient substitute. It's the lowest I've stooped and it's shameful. I'm pathetic and much as I hate to admit, maybe desperate. I'm a fool and I wanna cry.

I know I'm not the most trust worthy person in the world. I have earned his distrust. I made alot of mistakes and I'm not trying to make excuses. Just one thing I want him to understand, everything I did, I didn't do to hurt him. I did what I did so I would hurt less.

I'm doing this for myself. I can't keep holding on to what isn't mine. I deserve someone who can and will stand up for me. Someone I won't have to share with someone else. Someone who will have enough love and respect for me to never want to hurt me. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone who will indulge me and the conversations I attempt to start. Someone who will listen. Someone I can trust. Because I swear, I will do everything for the right man.

Now I don't know what awaits me but I've been here too many times. I've been alone too long and I'm somehow used to it. I've learned to cope but I guess I'm gonna have to learn again. It's hard to start over again and again. It's hard taking the first step and move forward. I don't even know which way to go but I know I can't stay where I'm at now. I have to move on. I don't know what I want, just what I don't want and I know I don't want to treat myself like I'm stupid because I'm not.

I'm afraid he will text me or call me or worst, see me because it will be torture. It might break every defenses I've built over the last few hours since I decided to stop being a bitch and do the right thing. I'm broken but I can't fall apart now. I have to do this.

I hope I have left good enough memories for him to remember me every once in a while. That's all I'm asking for now. To be remembered. Because he will always hold a place in my heart. Always. Nothing beats the thrill of the first and I've shared many firsts with him and thats something no man can ever replace. It doesn't even matter now if I love him or not but since he asked and I never was able to answer him, I'll say it this once, yes I do and I do alot. Maybe in another place and time I can show with that.

Fairy tales and Valentines. Love and Mining. Chocolates and Lies. Stupid-ass romance.

Cupid’s arrow or Pinocchio's?

In the spirit of Valentines...heres another love thinker.

When we fall in love and we actually fall, is it Cupid or is it Pinocchio who hit us? It is love really or is it the lies that got us?

In the eyes of a cynical like me, the only way to give love a chance is to get past through the lies. It’s like mining gold...it’s rare and you have to go through all the dirt and shit just to get your shiny little prize...and even then you would still have to process it 'till it become the strong, polished jewel you want it to be.

It’s a long and exhausting ordeal and sometimes what you get out of it is not even worth it. The sad part though is when you actually decide its worth all the hassle but since you became too tired of digging through, you don't have enough energy or zeal or even enthusiasm to enjoy it. And sadder even is when you decide you don’t want to have anything to do with gold and jewelries anymore. Sometimes, the lies are just too hard to separate from the truths that they somewhat become one and the same and no matter how hard you try to trust, no matter how hard you try to separate the ore, its stuck and your stuck.

Pinocchio's nose is too long now I'm sure. Worst thing is, there is very little you can do to cut it off. You can't control how long that cursed nose will grow, people will keep telling lies and you will keep believing lies or keep telling yourself lies and others for all its worth. What you can do is run as fast and as far and you can go and shut the door behind and hide under the covers and eat your chocolates and hope that the bitter sweet confection will make you feel better and less stupid and hope that the door will lock itself and that you won’t have to open it again until Cupid hits you finally.

Fairy tales and Valentines. Love and Mining. Chocolates and Lies. Stupid-ass romance.

On that same note, I had a pretty good Valentine’s Day. It's not real holiday, never been and maybe never will be but somehow this recent one had been special. I got more than I bargained for and that’s good enough for me...for now at least. Hope you had a good one too.

Brain Blast

When is love really love?

Is it when you start getting hurt or is it when its making you happy?

Is it when it makes you feel warm inside or is it when you're willing to endure staying out in the cold for that one person?

Is it when you fight hard to keep someone or is it when you are willing to give him up just to see him happy?

Love is an abused word. It comes in many definitions, many forms, many lies. It's been used as an excuse for our many mistakes and as justification for our many stupid actions. Its been used to explain little joys of life and butterflies in the tummy. Its been used as reason of huge sacrifices we do for people who usually don't deserve them. And even for just lack of a better word, love is used and abused.

Love is relative. As all things are.

In my own definition of love, in my own awkward ways, I'm sure I have loved. It may not fit into other people's description of it but I know, one way or another, I loved and had been loved. And as much as I want to abuse it and say it out loud everyday in everyway, it scares me because along with it comes great responsibility and sometimes if you are as unlucky as I am, great pain too.

So don't fret if I don't say it, I may not be the usual loving person, maybe not the sweetest thing on earth but in my somewhat evil ways, I feel it and I feel you. Or even if you don't feel as I do, it doesn't matter. This is how I do it. I may not wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm trying to find ways to show it. I know sometimes I don't do it right but I'm doing it in ways I know how.

Shit-Bid

I miss my old team mates and team lead. Not that they are old.. some are...anyway I miss them. They kinda grew on me and they've been one of my driving forces, one of the few reasons I drag myself to work each night (except when I'm absent and on my rest days of course), even on holidays. They are very inspiring people. I'm not talking past tense here because I know they are still as inspiring now as they were few weeks ago. See, they have this effect on me that even when I'm having a bad day or night, woke up at the wrong side of the bed or when I arrive in the office half awake and very late (I'm a notorious late-comer) and cranky, they always charm me. They always got me smiling and their voices perks me up. When one is absent, specially Ivan, Ken and Ai-ai...I miss them a lot each time and they inspire me to be absent too (Marky, Sioms and Weng are rarely absent and they re usually on time).

It's not very hard to blend in with new people, at least not for me, I'm kinda used to these changes, but as I find myself in this little corner-booth in the office and I think of them going home before me, it gets lonely. I miss messing up with them and I miss our loud laughs. I don't get to see them as much but I know they are around. I can feel their spirit... wherever they are.

Now I would just have to master again my appear-disappear acts until I actually get comfortable with the new people I'm with and the new schedule and silence of the 4am to 1pm shift.

Screw Me

I'm a smart-fool.

That much I can say about myself. Somehow I feel like I'm going around in circles. I've been in this very situation before and if I am as smart as I'm giving myself credit for, I should know what to do already and I should have a very good idea on how this will possibly end but I guess I'm not. It's like something keeps dragging my feet and whenever I feel like I'm already taking a step forward, I step into something familiar and I realize a whole step is not even a whole step.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I really just wanna be happy already. Now thats the second hardest declaration I've made after having admitted that I'm emotionally screwed up. I mean, there are alot of men, too many of them actually but a good man who can make me feel good about myself and about life is rare. I'm quite picky I should say, not that I have the best men to choose from but hey, I have to set my own standards even if I know I'm most likely not to meet them. Love is different,it usually doesnt fit into my own logical thinking but it just makes sense. Now the very few people I trusted my heart with broke it. There are two things there, my heart and my trust but somehow, with both tainted and shattered in all ways possible, I still cannot delete whats already felt. I don't seem to learn. I am that kind of person. Once its done, its done. Once loved, I cannot unlove. I guess thats my downfall. I keep repeating my own history.

I am not expecting someone to have me figured out cz thats near to imposible as I myself couldnt quite figure me out. I just want someone who, instead of criticizing my actions and taking them against me, will understand my reasons or at least care enough to try. Just someone who will make himself available for me. Someone who won't put me in a position where I would have to choose between doing the right thing and whats convenient cz I swear, I can choose convenience for sometime and do what feels good but I'll eventually end up doing what is right because as crazy as I am, I'm not a bad person. I can't be happy at the expense of another person's misery.

Chicharon.

Yummy...oh so yummy.

It's my favorite food after icecream and I won't mind having a few crunchies every day. If only it's not overly unhealthy.

How can something so good be so bad for you?

As the Italians said, "Live to eat and not eat to live". Now thats a really good way to look at life and food. It encourages one to savor everything that we can savor without the guilt. The drawback though is that for people like me whos favorite food are always those in the end list of the pyramid, I might not live too long and be able to eat as much if I do follow that concept.

Everything in moderation. Thats another thing. My brain and my mouth are very good friends and they always conspire. They always trick me and make me feel like what I'm doing is perfectly okay until my plate is empty and my bucket of icecream is clean.Hahay...

Imma go back to my eating.

The Game of Add-Deduct

I was told that women's value depreciates with the number of people she's laid with while men's appreciate as their headcount increases. As much as I'd like to argue on this, somehow this rings true. This is double standard morality and it sucks and its downright sexist. We should value experience as it is. It's screws and bolts, and hey,they go together so why should things be qualified differently?

Oh well, given this... whats our starting rate? Do women start at a hundred then each sexual encounter warrants a demerit while men starts at zero and merits experience points as they screw women? That's awfully unfair but that's society mindset and again...as much as I'd like to argue on that, its how most people think.

How do women get merits though? If its add-deduct, merit-demerit, how do we gain points here?

I'll take information as it is. Everything is relative so reasonable facts for some may be ridiculous assumptions for others.

So what my stand is...you go figure.

The Evolution of Mankind

I have always programmed myself to fear as little as there is to fear and to constantly live life my way, breaking rules if necessary as long as they are not my own... or at least that's what I've been trying to achieve.

When I was younger I had this youthful-stupid-courage and zeal for life. Doing everything that comes to mind, going to opposite ends without thinking about how I'm heading back when I finally come to my senses. I wasn't even thinking that I was out of my senses then. Everything was easy no matter how hard things get. Mistakes were reversible. Tomorrow was far. I was full of dreams but life was full of surprises. I was making my way and nobody and nothing seemed to have stopped me from taking my self-made-path. The only person I cared about was myself. Good or bad...life was a box of chocolate and chocolates are always good.

When I started to lose all this and how, I really do not know. All I know is that over time, I changed into this person who is more careful and less trusting. I am still much into adventures and surprises but my limits are shorter and my conditions-list are way longer. I crave security and tries so hard to achieve it missing alot of fun along the way. I guess this what they call maturity... and it is somehow boring. See, I don't think I am any more mature than most of people are, I still do stupid things but in my own standards, this so-called condition is making life a bit stiff. But we all have to grow up don't we? We acquired new and more responsibilities and it is expected of us to fulfill them. Responsibility is good. It gives me direction, helps me set clearer goals and takes so much of my time and keeps me busy. I just wish I can have the best of both worlds. Be my fun-loving-idiotic self without being irresponsible but again, in my own standards, its quite difficult to do as my idea of fun is always stupid and careless and its difficult to be both when you have so many things to consider.

This is the evolution of me and its inevitable so I'm reprogramming myself to stand these somewhat awful yet expected changes as this is what they call as changing for the better. Life was good. I hope my so-called maturity will make it better.

There are days when I feel so weak and defeated and nothing makes sense and there are days when I just feel so hopeful. Today is one of those few days when everything seems all wrong and I'm just walking in the mud still looking forward to that ray of light at the end of the tunnel. Its a wierd feeling but not strange.

Hope is good.

It keeps me moving forward. Its keeps me holding on. Its keeps me dreaming.

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour or even years but sooner or later it will end and something else will replace it... If I give up now though then it will be forever."