It's like damn if I do and screw me if I don't.

I'm consistently inconsistent.

For some reasons, it's been very hard for me to live up to my words lately. I mean, I really want to but I really don't want to also. See, there's a huge conflict there. Part of me wants to do things the other part doesn't. No gray spots here. Just plain black and white, yes and no and the conflict is all over the place.

Why, why, why?

Why can't I be as decisive as I have been?

Why can't no mean no and yes mean yes anymore?

I know very well that this mess I got myself into can only get messier. Like a quicksand, the longer I stay on it, the deeper I drown and before I know it, I'm in deep shit and it would be too hard to recover. But there are really good things here too. I feel good a a lot of times. I'm happy some days.

It's like damn if I do and screw me if I don't.

Lately, everyday has been a roller coaster. One day I'm happy, the next day I can hardly stand being awake. It's like I'm starting to develop some bi-polar disorder here. It's like I've been on both extremes in a span of a little over a month.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into and whats in it for me?

Better question is... is it even worth all the confusion?

Her heart is still in the right place. Or so she thinks.

She longs... Sometimes she dreams... As much as she can...She try not to hope. Hoping will only cause her pain.

As much as she can... she ignores the thought. Him in her thoughts. She try not to ask herself questions. She is afraid to ask if she loves still because she is afraid her heart will answer yes then she is in big trouble.

She is strong and she knows that. Strong enough to resist. To let go and move on. Apparently... she knows she is not strong enough for another heartbreak. Not strong enough for both of them. Shes strong enough for herself and for those she loves but not for him. Specially not for him.



She is in big trouble.

I like the misconception I have of you.

Remember when you asked me if I like things just as they are?

and I said "yes"?...

I said so because I just wanted you to shut up.

I don't want you to start saying things you can't live up to.

I don't want any promises cz promises makes me nauseous.

Promises sucks.

Nothing is as good as its promised.

I like things just the way they are.

No, actually I don't but I don't wanna make things worse that they already are.

I don't want you to tarnish my image of you by saying things that would end up being lies the moment you blurt them out.

I like the misconception I have of you.

Human Anatomy

Whats the compensation for feeling too much?

I believe that human body is strategically structured. That the brain is where its at so we can use it first before anything else. The eyes is set in front so we can look forward. The hands are for reaching out and the feet are placed at the bottom so that after all means are exhausted yet to no avail, we can always walk out. What doesn't make sense for me though is human emotions. I just can't pinpoint which part of the body we should hold accountable for feelings that seem to deviate all kinds of human logic.

Think, act and feel...never the other way around. Isn't this whats ideal?

Why do some people feel too much?
Why do some think less and feel more?
Why do some think a lot and feel a lot but acts very less?
Why do some cannot act what they think?
Why do some acts without thinking?

Shouldn't the brain control all actions and emotions?

Then why do we do things we know we are not suppose to be doing?

I know there are alot of loopholes in this blog post. Too many angles that are not covered. It's just that my mind can't seem to think in one straight line. This is life as I see it now. Perturbed as always.

So again...whats the compensation for feeling too much? and whats in it for those who thinks too much?

Vacation!

Vacations are almost always good...for me at least. Away from the stressful life of the city, away from work, away from "life" and everything that comes with it. It gives me renewed spirit and energy. It reminds me of the good things in life that I can have if I work hard enough for it. It gives rest to my tired heart. It makes me appreciate the world and its beauty and most importantly, it makes me realize just how lucky and blessed I am that I can take one when I badly need it when a lot of people work their asses harder than I do and still cannot take a day off. See, God is really very smart and creative. He pushes me to my limits and tests me 'till I cry but He provides me when an escape...and a really good one at that.

Now going on a vacation with someone you enjoy being with is a huge bonus. So now you know, this isn't just another vacation I'm talking about.

So we went to Tabuelan, far north of Cebu. It wasn't so hard going there, the most tricky part really was having enough patience while waiting at the terminal since it took so long for the van to take off. So if you are planning to commute, bring a lot of patience with you and/or bring someone you can be patient with.

For lack of better things to do, my date and I went around the terminal, held hands, kissed and hugged in public and pretended we were dating in a park and ignored everything else and everyone else...Hmmmm actually we noticed a few people and had good laughs out of them but that's an entirely different story. PDA raise a lot of eyebrows specially those of the old ones...but who cares? It was fun looking at them frown.

So finally after, I'm guessing, 2 hours of travel, we arrived at Durhan's which was a very peaceful place to spend the weekend. It was not the most beautiful place I've seen, not even the finest beach I've been to but it was beautiful. It was, shall we say, special. I've never out that far alone with someone, I didn't know what to expect out of the place and the whole experience so I managed my expectations and they were exceeded enormously... which makes a very happy me.

I have always loved the beach and the waters even though I'm not a good swimmer. (Okay, who am i kidding, I don't know how to swim at all.) We spent most of the afternoon swimming and the rest of it in the room doing a different kind of swimming which I'm sure I know how to do. Anyway, in this particular weekend, sex wasn't the highlight and surprisingly it wasn't a bad thing. Its a bonus though. A good good one. The night was lovely and we spent it lying in the sand, watching the stars and the moon, drinking some wine and talking about everything and anything. It was by far one the most romantic thing I've done. For an hour or so there, I was oblivious to the world. It was like nothing else mattered but that very moment, that very place and that very man I was with. I guess that's the emotion that the movies are trying to extract when they set those romantic dates and what-not...but the the movies always failed. The real deal didn't though. I was deeply... romanced.

I really couldn't describe the whole experience as vividly as I wish to simply because when it's fresh and your having butterflies in your stomach still, it's hard to think and be creative. But everything about it, every tiny detail is etched in my memory. I wish you could take a peek at my brain at see for yourself but this is as far as you can get.

So there you go...that is how my weekend was spent... and I hope you can tell that I had a really good one...if not the best yet.

Photograph and Memories

Its nice to wake up with a man. It feels so good waking up with someone you feel strongly about and knowing that its not a hang-over you are nursing but something very akin to love or maybe it is.

The hardest part about waking up with someone though is when you wake up one morning and you realize and finally decide that you have to wake up for real. It hurts leaving someone in your bed thinking that it might be the last time that you will see him there. That it might be the last time you will ever get kiss him for a long time or maybe never again. That it would be the last time you can smell him... hold him. That as much as you would like to stay and cuddle until maybe forever, it's a luxury you cannot afford anymore.

I can't keep paying a high price for psuedo-happiness. For one, its fake and its breaking me up. I want him to stay and maybe he will but I cannot. I have to move on and try to find true happiness. Last night as I was holding him, my heart and my head were battling over staying or leaving. The good thing about mornings though is that they give new hope and promise of a fresh start. And as I kiss him goodbye, it really is goodbye. For now at least.

I'm hoping he will understand and I'm hoping he won't hurt as much as I'm hurting. He deserves to be happy. He really does and so do I. I wanted to stay for a few more days at least and spend the weekends with him before I say goodbye but I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I might change my mind. Today is all I have. I only have enough strength and heart to run away. I can't even talk.

Last night, as I waited for sleep to come, that tiny picture of them kept flasing in my head. All smiles and happy. I want to snatch her off and put my happy face in there. I kinda wish she is off the picture so we can try to figure this out but thats just wishful thinking. I can't be happy that way. I'm not that bad a person. As much as I lower down the volume of that little voice in my head called conscience, it's there and when everything is quite, its all I hear and I'm compelled to listen. I have to figure this out myself...alone.

He is just lonely and I'm a convenient substitute. It's the lowest I've stooped and it's shameful. I'm pathetic and much as I hate to admit, maybe desperate. I'm a fool and I wanna cry.

I know I'm not the most trust worthy person in the world. I have earned his distrust. I made alot of mistakes and I'm not trying to make excuses. Just one thing I want him to understand, everything I did, I didn't do to hurt him. I did what I did so I would hurt less.

I'm doing this for myself. I can't keep holding on to what isn't mine. I deserve someone who can and will stand up for me. Someone I won't have to share with someone else. Someone who will have enough love and respect for me to never want to hurt me. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone who will indulge me and the conversations I attempt to start. Someone who will listen. Someone I can trust. Because I swear, I will do everything for the right man.

Now I don't know what awaits me but I've been here too many times. I've been alone too long and I'm somehow used to it. I've learned to cope but I guess I'm gonna have to learn again. It's hard to start over again and again. It's hard taking the first step and move forward. I don't even know which way to go but I know I can't stay where I'm at now. I have to move on. I don't know what I want, just what I don't want and I know I don't want to treat myself like I'm stupid because I'm not.

I'm afraid he will text me or call me or worst, see me because it will be torture. It might break every defenses I've built over the last few hours since I decided to stop being a bitch and do the right thing. I'm broken but I can't fall apart now. I have to do this.

I hope I have left good enough memories for him to remember me every once in a while. That's all I'm asking for now. To be remembered. Because he will always hold a place in my heart. Always. Nothing beats the thrill of the first and I've shared many firsts with him and thats something no man can ever replace. It doesn't even matter now if I love him or not but since he asked and I never was able to answer him, I'll say it this once, yes I do and I do alot. Maybe in another place and time I can show with that.

Fairy tales and Valentines. Love and Mining. Chocolates and Lies. Stupid-ass romance.

Cupid’s arrow or Pinocchio's?

In the spirit of Valentines...heres another love thinker.

When we fall in love and we actually fall, is it Cupid or is it Pinocchio who hit us? It is love really or is it the lies that got us?

In the eyes of a cynical like me, the only way to give love a chance is to get past through the lies. It’s like mining gold...it’s rare and you have to go through all the dirt and shit just to get your shiny little prize...and even then you would still have to process it 'till it become the strong, polished jewel you want it to be.

It’s a long and exhausting ordeal and sometimes what you get out of it is not even worth it. The sad part though is when you actually decide its worth all the hassle but since you became too tired of digging through, you don't have enough energy or zeal or even enthusiasm to enjoy it. And sadder even is when you decide you don’t want to have anything to do with gold and jewelries anymore. Sometimes, the lies are just too hard to separate from the truths that they somewhat become one and the same and no matter how hard you try to trust, no matter how hard you try to separate the ore, its stuck and your stuck.

Pinocchio's nose is too long now I'm sure. Worst thing is, there is very little you can do to cut it off. You can't control how long that cursed nose will grow, people will keep telling lies and you will keep believing lies or keep telling yourself lies and others for all its worth. What you can do is run as fast and as far and you can go and shut the door behind and hide under the covers and eat your chocolates and hope that the bitter sweet confection will make you feel better and less stupid and hope that the door will lock itself and that you won’t have to open it again until Cupid hits you finally.

Fairy tales and Valentines. Love and Mining. Chocolates and Lies. Stupid-ass romance.

On that same note, I had a pretty good Valentine’s Day. It's not real holiday, never been and maybe never will be but somehow this recent one had been special. I got more than I bargained for and that’s good enough for me...for now at least. Hope you had a good one too.

Brain Blast

When is love really love?

Is it when you start getting hurt or is it when its making you happy?

Is it when it makes you feel warm inside or is it when you're willing to endure staying out in the cold for that one person?

Is it when you fight hard to keep someone or is it when you are willing to give him up just to see him happy?

Love is an abused word. It comes in many definitions, many forms, many lies. It's been used as an excuse for our many mistakes and as justification for our many stupid actions. Its been used to explain little joys of life and butterflies in the tummy. Its been used as reason of huge sacrifices we do for people who usually don't deserve them. And even for just lack of a better word, love is used and abused.

Love is relative. As all things are.

In my own definition of love, in my own awkward ways, I'm sure I have loved. It may not fit into other people's description of it but I know, one way or another, I loved and had been loved. And as much as I want to abuse it and say it out loud everyday in everyway, it scares me because along with it comes great responsibility and sometimes if you are as unlucky as I am, great pain too.

So don't fret if I don't say it, I may not be the usual loving person, maybe not the sweetest thing on earth but in my somewhat evil ways, I feel it and I feel you. Or even if you don't feel as I do, it doesn't matter. This is how I do it. I may not wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm trying to find ways to show it. I know sometimes I don't do it right but I'm doing it in ways I know how.

Shit-Bid

I miss my old team mates and team lead. Not that they are old.. some are...anyway I miss them. They kinda grew on me and they've been one of my driving forces, one of the few reasons I drag myself to work each night (except when I'm absent and on my rest days of course), even on holidays. They are very inspiring people. I'm not talking past tense here because I know they are still as inspiring now as they were few weeks ago. See, they have this effect on me that even when I'm having a bad day or night, woke up at the wrong side of the bed or when I arrive in the office half awake and very late (I'm a notorious late-comer) and cranky, they always charm me. They always got me smiling and their voices perks me up. When one is absent, specially Ivan, Ken and Ai-ai...I miss them a lot each time and they inspire me to be absent too (Marky, Sioms and Weng are rarely absent and they re usually on time).

It's not very hard to blend in with new people, at least not for me, I'm kinda used to these changes, but as I find myself in this little corner-booth in the office and I think of them going home before me, it gets lonely. I miss messing up with them and I miss our loud laughs. I don't get to see them as much but I know they are around. I can feel their spirit... wherever they are.

Now I would just have to master again my appear-disappear acts until I actually get comfortable with the new people I'm with and the new schedule and silence of the 4am to 1pm shift.

Screw Me

I'm a smart-fool.

That much I can say about myself. Somehow I feel like I'm going around in circles. I've been in this very situation before and if I am as smart as I'm giving myself credit for, I should know what to do already and I should have a very good idea on how this will possibly end but I guess I'm not. It's like something keeps dragging my feet and whenever I feel like I'm already taking a step forward, I step into something familiar and I realize a whole step is not even a whole step.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I really just wanna be happy already. Now thats the second hardest declaration I've made after having admitted that I'm emotionally screwed up. I mean, there are alot of men, too many of them actually but a good man who can make me feel good about myself and about life is rare. I'm quite picky I should say, not that I have the best men to choose from but hey, I have to set my own standards even if I know I'm most likely not to meet them. Love is different,it usually doesnt fit into my own logical thinking but it just makes sense. Now the very few people I trusted my heart with broke it. There are two things there, my heart and my trust but somehow, with both tainted and shattered in all ways possible, I still cannot delete whats already felt. I don't seem to learn. I am that kind of person. Once its done, its done. Once loved, I cannot unlove. I guess thats my downfall. I keep repeating my own history.

I am not expecting someone to have me figured out cz thats near to imposible as I myself couldnt quite figure me out. I just want someone who, instead of criticizing my actions and taking them against me, will understand my reasons or at least care enough to try. Just someone who will make himself available for me. Someone who won't put me in a position where I would have to choose between doing the right thing and whats convenient cz I swear, I can choose convenience for sometime and do what feels good but I'll eventually end up doing what is right because as crazy as I am, I'm not a bad person. I can't be happy at the expense of another person's misery.

Chicharon.

Yummy...oh so yummy.

It's my favorite food after icecream and I won't mind having a few crunchies every day. If only it's not overly unhealthy.

How can something so good be so bad for you?

As the Italians said, "Live to eat and not eat to live". Now thats a really good way to look at life and food. It encourages one to savor everything that we can savor without the guilt. The drawback though is that for people like me whos favorite food are always those in the end list of the pyramid, I might not live too long and be able to eat as much if I do follow that concept.

Everything in moderation. Thats another thing. My brain and my mouth are very good friends and they always conspire. They always trick me and make me feel like what I'm doing is perfectly okay until my plate is empty and my bucket of icecream is clean.Hahay...

Imma go back to my eating.