Saturday, March 27, 2010

I have this song playing in my head for the last 2 days... When A Man Loves A Woman...God! its romantic. Overly so. But I'm not writing about that now. I just wanted to share that. When my computer is up and running, I'll try to post that here as background music...love love love.

I saw an old man yesterday peddling icecream on stick. I remember it was scorching hot, given the summer and the El Nino going on and I planned on staying in my room all day to avoid Mr. Sun but I needed to buy prepaid credits so I dragged my lazy ass off bed. Now here I saw Mr. Icecream Man, sitting under a tree, waiting for some mother of a child to finish her noon-time bath so she can pay for her childs purchase. He looked at me with his sweet tired smile and I thought, hell! how could he smile to me like that? Here I am getting pissed about the weather and wishing I was anywhere near the beach while he walks all day under the heat of the sun wishing he get to sell enough to put food in his plate. Thats perseverance to the highest degree. And I was deeply shamed for being too whiny and for complaining about living such a hard life while there are people like him who barely even get by and whose life had been and still is way harder than mine but can still afford to smile at petulant strangers like me. All I had on me was 20pesos which I gave him and he humbly accepted and he insisted I take one of his icecreams. i don't really eat those just because I don't but I didn't wanna embarrass him so I took it and we said our thank you's. I wish I was able to do more. I pray that he would live a better life very soon because he is old and maybe he don't have much time but I hope does and because he deserve to live better.

I told Jule about the old man who nearly brought me to tears... and heres what he said.

Jule: Okay, so you saw a dirty old man and you liked his icedrop. How about my icedrop? Dli naka ganaha?

WTF! He's lucky he wasn't anywhere near or i'll choke him with a telephone wire which I don't have.

Anyway... Mr. Icecream Man sure reminded me that life isn't fair but God has ways of rewarding us and He gives us loads according to our strength and that He blesses us differently. That old man may not be blessed with fortune but he is blessed with a lot of perseverance and determination and not a lot of people have that. Lets count our blessings and when we get the chance...share it.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved"

You know well that you can't trust him. You can't trust him with your trust but still you trust him with your heart. Not because you want to but because you don't know how not to.

Still you wish you could trust him...at least that. If only it's something that can be given free, you would have given it. But it's something he needs to earn and he shows no interest of earning.

He is not all that you want in a man but he is the man that you want. He is a constant misfit to your ideals but he simply fits. His flaws are obvious and they're not even denied and you don't pretend not to notice but either way, they don't matter as much as they suppose to.

You have expectations and they're usually not met. You have whims he can't cater to or simply won't. Sometimes, he won't even listen to you. He is indulgent but he rarely indulge you. But somewhow, you've made exemptions for him. He is your exemption.

He annoys you constantly. He frustrates you to tears. He do things you hate and he tests your patience occasionally. Still, you can't hate him.

When you look at him, all you can think about is how much he means to you. Flaws or no flaws, you want him as he is. And when you hold him, you know that regardless of all the things he did wrong and will do wrong, he will always be right for you.

You are not blind and not playing that part. You see and you know... and you know too well but you see through what he is not and appreciate what he is.

You are just another lovestruck highschool girl.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm sorry that I love you regardless.

Holding on to you is like holding a broken glass. My hands are bleeding and I'm in constant pain yet I can't seem to let go. I can't let go because the broken pieces are already very deep into my skin and I'm afraid that if I do open up my hands, the pieces might fall and I can't pick them all up. I'm not totally immuned to the pain because I still feel it but I can't not have you. I just can't so I'll keep holding on and hope that one day, I'll stop bleeding.

I'm sorry about last night. I really am.

I'm not sorry about everything that I said. I'm sorry that I poured my heart out the way I did and you don't understand still. I'm sorry that my tears were cried in vain. I'm sorry that my birthday, my one day in a year, became memorable in a very sad way.

I'm sorry that I love you regardless. I'm sorry that I can't tell you that.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sometimes, this feels like torture and I'm not really up to it but I have to see exactly how far I can go before my rope would break.

Why do I tend to hurt myself sometimes? I mean not hurt myself physically, no I don't do it like that. Just that, sometimes, I snoop around, I see stuff and I get hurt. Not that they are hidden from me. I have this thing of wanting to know everything even if the truth hurts bad. I just hate it when I don't know but sometimes, not knowing actually spares you from pain and I kinda wish now that I don't know anything about this particular something. I wish I was left with the misconception that I have long cherished. I wish...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I know I'm just a girl in your little black book.

So you keep telling me I'm special
That I'm the one you'll always go back to
But Honey am i suppose to be happy?
When all that means is you'll always have to leave me.

So you say with me its different
That you feel something for me you don't feel for all the others
But Honey are you trying to flatter me?
All that says is that I'm not the only.

I bet you tell those lies to every other girl you hold
Baby I'm not stupid I don't believe everything I'm told
Each time I let those words thaw my heart out
You always do something to make me doubt.

I know its crazy to be here still
You must be launghing at me for feeling what I feel
But honey I'm not your fool and no matter how it looks
I know I'm just a girl in your little black book.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Someday, Somehow

There are so many things that a person would want to do in one lifetime. So many people we want to meet, so many places we want to see, so many skills we want to learn, so many dreams we want to realize and somehow, life does not give us enough time. Life is short and exactly how short it is for each of us, we don't know.

Life is ambiguous. A whole lifetime seems too short but an hour is too long specially if spent waiting.

When I was a lot younger, I had so many dreams, so many things that I wanted to be and I thought that the only thing that keeps me from reaching those dreams was time. I always thought that one day, everything will fall into place and I would succeed, in my own childish definition of success, as planned. But then as years go by I realized that that someday I set when I was young is indefinite. I don't know when my someday is and I don't know which dream falls on which someday and that nothing, absolutely nothing succeeds as planned. It's not time that keeps me from my pot of gold, it's those little details I missed to notice along the way.

Life is not what happens to you, it's what you make out of it although sometimes, everything happens in a blur and the series of decisions you made and thought were trivial actually led you somewhere you don't even recognize. Its like you've fallen into a deep sleep and when you wake up, you wake up with this huge hangover and your naked in a strangers bed and you fry your brain so hard to fill you up with the previous nights details and you realize nothing you did seem to make sense so you gather your clothes and get out of that strange room and move along. It's like you totally missed the events of the previous years and that all you have is today to make up for and tomorrow is not even promised.

As I grew older, I dreamed less and less and tried to live more. I became older and hopefully wiser. I tried to live each day my way although I am not certain it works well for me. I started making plans and tried to set time-frames but usually I don't catch deadlines but I guess that's when life happens. It's full of surprises. I did a lot of stupid things and broke too many rules and hurt myself badly every other time...but I lived and I learned and I guess that's all that matters.

Friday, March 5, 2010

There's A Time For Departure Even When There's No Certain Place To Go To

How long will I last?

Should I set a deadline or should I just wait and wait for things to fall into place?

Should I be doing something else other than waiting for you to make up your mind?

I want to make things right. I tried and I'm still trying but maybe you should too.

If you want me as much as you claim then do something because I can't hang in here, this way, forever.