The Walk

                        

 "The day you start taking me for granted is the day I start walking away".

I know I am hard to figure out. I am hard to understand. I do so many things that eludes reason and defies logic. I am crazy and I am random. Every now and then, I act stupid. I can be delusional sometimes but mostly, I'm a realist. I see things as they are and I break things down and magnify the details. That's how i complicate things.

See, as simple as I am, I too am complex. My complexities goes beyond euphoria. I am insane. I want to know so much but truths are always awful so I avoid them. What I don't know often hurts me. What I know, hurts me too. Sometimes, they just make me laugh. In sarcasm. In many of my psychedelic moments, I know I can be cruel. I am selfish. I can be everything at once. Yet I know, I deserve good things. I know I deserve to be happy considering.

I've been asked several times, what makes me happy. I don't trust enough to even bother to answer. Why would I? If they know what can make me happy, will they give it to me? Can they? I know what makes me happy. I know what I deserve. I just can't qualify them. Much more, quantify them. That's the beauty of it. Knowing the object and not knowing it's boundaries. It makes it infinite. It makes things exciting.

Like I always say, I don't know many things for sure but I know that once you take me for granted, surely I'll walk away. I might stall but I won't stop moving 'till I'm out. That's how I do things. I don't care if I cry when I walk out. All I will ever care about is my escape. For I know, one day, it will all pass and I will be fine again. That's what make me beautiful. My resilience.

Let Go Too Soon

Hey you! Yes you! I know you will never get to read this so hear me out. I'm talking to you in spirit. If you listen close enough and try to analyze my breathing or snores while I sleep beside you, you might actually get something.

If you can't keep up with me, maybe you shouldn't stay close. I'm not insensitive. I feel. Too much even but I just don't go around showing it. I know sometimes I am impossibly selfish and cruel but that is part of my defense. I can't put up a wall and not put anything to guard it. That is how I protect myself. Otherwise, I might just end up in the same dark spot I was on, one too many times in the past.

Sure I have fears and I nurse them too well. I admit that.But this is how I survive. I am way too complicated, too calloused. Hard-core. I know. But I care. About so many things other than myself. I care about you. Just don't expect me to wear my heart on my sleeve because I won't. I can't go falling for someone who might be in this just for the thrill of the chase and nothing more. It sucks that I see things this way. It hurts even seeing beautiful things like this slowly fade away because I too can't keep up. If only...

If only you would give me reasons to trust you. If only I can trust you even for no reason at all. If only. I wish I can tell you all this. I wish you care enough to listen. I know I should not expect more than what I am giving. But I can't help but expect more than what I am getting.

I really just wanna be happy already. I know how to love. I too have a heart. Please don't color me heartless. Please understand that as much as I want to hold you, I have to hold out. Please be patient. Please be here for me regardless.

You and I, we have a chance but I need you to work on me, butter me up, soften my heart, founder these walls I built inside. Change my mind.

Rest and Peace

"Rest if you must but never surrender".

This life is draining.Emotionally, physically and financially (HAHA!). At times, it sucks my zeal away and my enthusiasm fades along with the days.Circumstances strains my mood and my relationships and lack thereof.

Rest. That is what I need. I just can't quite figure out what 'rest' is to me now. Is it sleep? Food? Family time? Me-time? Days with none to do but lounge? Mind-blowing sex? Love perhaps? Probably all of the above.

In reality, I can't have it all. That is true for everyone (I hope so, for fairness' sake). Therefore I have to choose. So if I am to choose one, which? What is rest and how does it work? In a life as complicated as mine, simple joys are my last refuge.

I know a lot of times, I ask for too much but really, all I want is a little consistency and one specially beautiful day that would make me wish that things will never ever change, and maybe, just stay in there for a little longer that just a day. :)

Just Choke Up and Die

Each time I start writing good stuff about someone or something, they/it always tend to go bad. Therefore I conclude, my ink is not jinxed, nor am I. They are.Then again, I can't stop writing nor can I stop doing things and seeing people so I will just deal with my bad luck.(LOL)

So Israel sent me a text message yesterday saying he did not go to his office because he was sick. I asked him what he was sick of and got no reply. So I messaged him again, "I hope you're still alive" and I went on with my life. He messaged me this morning telling me he have a cough, this and that, and thanked me for my concern. So I said I'm not at all concerned and went ahead and asked him to pick-up the design I had his draftsman do for me. His draftsman calls me "My Majesty". Israel calls me "My Queen". I'm such a bitch.

Truth is, I am pissed. I was worried about him and I am sort of hurt that he didn't ask for me. Sure I was concerned. I wondered how he was and hoped he would ask me to nurse him back to health or something cheesy like that. But he didn't. So he and his cough can go to hell. For all I care.

This is what's wrong with me,among other things of course, I have way too much pride. It would be impossible to swallow pride this much. I'm gonna choke and die if I try. (LOL)

Hope and Romance

I am a hopeless romantic. Contrary to what most people see me for, I am a romantic. I know that for sure. I listen to love songs alot. Not the typical tear-jerking love songs Whitney and Mariah sings but hard-core love songs, hard-core emo kids, dizzy looking men and paint-faced artists sing or shout.See, I am one dizzy,hard core romantic. (LOL)

Recently I met a new friend. His name is Israel. He is a Civil Engineer and has been very handy given all my school works(I'm a Civil Engineer wanna-be). He asked me if I will see him again even when I don't have any more projects that I would need him to do or help me for. Funny he asked me that, I was asking myself the same question. Just last night, I got my answer. When he made me dinner, listened to me whine most of the night,gave me a back rub and sang for me while playing the guitar, I knew I'll see him again. Specially that his cousin told me that I'm always welcome in thier house and I don't have to do dishes in their kitchen, I'll be stupid not to see him again. Damn, I'm romantic.

 I like the way he makes me feel. The way he looks at me like I just amuse him each time. I like that adoring stare, makes me feel likeable. I appreciate that he understands my loonies and puts up with my stupor. It's a relief that he is there when I need him and not when I don't. This thing that we have, whatever it is, it's refreshing.

Yet,distrust is always stronger than romance. So I guess in that sense, I am terribly hopeless.

     I don't know why I'm even here.Maybe I'm just bored or just plain stupid.There are a lot of things that I do that I don't understand...much more justify.I don't know what awaits me hanging out with...shall we say... kids. I just want to know how life is for them. If it is as hard as it was for me...or as fun, because it has been fun...extremely so..

      I want to know if they get to realize the things that I realize now...young as they are.And maybe,I want to know what I really want to do and where exactly I should be. Is there really one place a person is suppose to be at one time or is that just an ideal that many people bank on?Is there really an act that one person should be doing at one time in that exact moment or is that just an ideal that people hold on to in hopes of having better days with munch better judgements as today?

     Tomorrow is not promised.We know that.But don't we all wish for as better tomorrow? When things get rough...isn't that thought what gets us up in the morning? That hope that maybe...this one I won't mess it up as I did yesterday? Amazing how simple and complicated life can get all at the same time. If we look at it in concept...its all so simple but when we look into its details...its more complicated that we expect it to be.