Shit-Bid

I miss my old team mates and team lead. Not that they are old.. some are...anyway I miss them. They kinda grew on me and they've been one of my driving forces, one of the few reasons I drag myself to work each night (except when I'm absent and on my rest days of course), even on holidays. They are very inspiring people. I'm not talking past tense here because I know they are still as inspiring now as they were few weeks ago. See, they have this effect on me that even when I'm having a bad day or night, woke up at the wrong side of the bed or when I arrive in the office half awake and very late (I'm a notorious late-comer) and cranky, they always charm me. They always got me smiling and their voices perks me up. When one is absent, specially Ivan, Ken and Ai-ai...I miss them a lot each time and they inspire me to be absent too (Marky, Sioms and Weng are rarely absent and they re usually on time).

It's not very hard to blend in with new people, at least not for me, I'm kinda used to these changes, but as I find myself in this little corner-booth in the office and I think of them going home before me, it gets lonely. I miss messing up with them and I miss our loud laughs. I don't get to see them as much but I know they are around. I can feel their spirit... wherever they are.

Now I would just have to master again my appear-disappear acts until I actually get comfortable with the new people I'm with and the new schedule and silence of the 4am to 1pm shift.

Screw Me

I'm a smart-fool.

That much I can say about myself. Somehow I feel like I'm going around in circles. I've been in this very situation before and if I am as smart as I'm giving myself credit for, I should know what to do already and I should have a very good idea on how this will possibly end but I guess I'm not. It's like something keeps dragging my feet and whenever I feel like I'm already taking a step forward, I step into something familiar and I realize a whole step is not even a whole step.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I really just wanna be happy already. Now thats the second hardest declaration I've made after having admitted that I'm emotionally screwed up. I mean, there are alot of men, too many of them actually but a good man who can make me feel good about myself and about life is rare. I'm quite picky I should say, not that I have the best men to choose from but hey, I have to set my own standards even if I know I'm most likely not to meet them. Love is different,it usually doesnt fit into my own logical thinking but it just makes sense. Now the very few people I trusted my heart with broke it. There are two things there, my heart and my trust but somehow, with both tainted and shattered in all ways possible, I still cannot delete whats already felt. I don't seem to learn. I am that kind of person. Once its done, its done. Once loved, I cannot unlove. I guess thats my downfall. I keep repeating my own history.

I am not expecting someone to have me figured out cz thats near to imposible as I myself couldnt quite figure me out. I just want someone who, instead of criticizing my actions and taking them against me, will understand my reasons or at least care enough to try. Just someone who will make himself available for me. Someone who won't put me in a position where I would have to choose between doing the right thing and whats convenient cz I swear, I can choose convenience for sometime and do what feels good but I'll eventually end up doing what is right because as crazy as I am, I'm not a bad person. I can't be happy at the expense of another person's misery.

Chicharon.

Yummy...oh so yummy.

It's my favorite food after icecream and I won't mind having a few crunchies every day. If only it's not overly unhealthy.

How can something so good be so bad for you?

As the Italians said, "Live to eat and not eat to live". Now thats a really good way to look at life and food. It encourages one to savor everything that we can savor without the guilt. The drawback though is that for people like me whos favorite food are always those in the end list of the pyramid, I might not live too long and be able to eat as much if I do follow that concept.

Everything in moderation. Thats another thing. My brain and my mouth are very good friends and they always conspire. They always trick me and make me feel like what I'm doing is perfectly okay until my plate is empty and my bucket of icecream is clean.Hahay...

Imma go back to my eating.

The Game of Add-Deduct

I was told that women's value depreciates with the number of people she's laid with while men's appreciate as their headcount increases. As much as I'd like to argue on this, somehow this rings true. This is double standard morality and it sucks and its downright sexist. We should value experience as it is. It's screws and bolts, and hey,they go together so why should things be qualified differently?

Oh well, given this... whats our starting rate? Do women start at a hundred then each sexual encounter warrants a demerit while men starts at zero and merits experience points as they screw women? That's awfully unfair but that's society mindset and again...as much as I'd like to argue on that, its how most people think.

How do women get merits though? If its add-deduct, merit-demerit, how do we gain points here?

I'll take information as it is. Everything is relative so reasonable facts for some may be ridiculous assumptions for others.

So what my stand is...you go figure.

The Evolution of Mankind

I have always programmed myself to fear as little as there is to fear and to constantly live life my way, breaking rules if necessary as long as they are not my own... or at least that's what I've been trying to achieve.

When I was younger I had this youthful-stupid-courage and zeal for life. Doing everything that comes to mind, going to opposite ends without thinking about how I'm heading back when I finally come to my senses. I wasn't even thinking that I was out of my senses then. Everything was easy no matter how hard things get. Mistakes were reversible. Tomorrow was far. I was full of dreams but life was full of surprises. I was making my way and nobody and nothing seemed to have stopped me from taking my self-made-path. The only person I cared about was myself. Good or bad...life was a box of chocolate and chocolates are always good.

When I started to lose all this and how, I really do not know. All I know is that over time, I changed into this person who is more careful and less trusting. I am still much into adventures and surprises but my limits are shorter and my conditions-list are way longer. I crave security and tries so hard to achieve it missing alot of fun along the way. I guess this what they call maturity... and it is somehow boring. See, I don't think I am any more mature than most of people are, I still do stupid things but in my own standards, this so-called condition is making life a bit stiff. But we all have to grow up don't we? We acquired new and more responsibilities and it is expected of us to fulfill them. Responsibility is good. It gives me direction, helps me set clearer goals and takes so much of my time and keeps me busy. I just wish I can have the best of both worlds. Be my fun-loving-idiotic self without being irresponsible but again, in my own standards, its quite difficult to do as my idea of fun is always stupid and careless and its difficult to be both when you have so many things to consider.

This is the evolution of me and its inevitable so I'm reprogramming myself to stand these somewhat awful yet expected changes as this is what they call as changing for the better. Life was good. I hope my so-called maturity will make it better.

There are days when I feel so weak and defeated and nothing makes sense and there are days when I just feel so hopeful. Today is one of those few days when everything seems all wrong and I'm just walking in the mud still looking forward to that ray of light at the end of the tunnel. Its a wierd feeling but not strange.

Hope is good.

It keeps me moving forward. Its keeps me holding on. Its keeps me dreaming.

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour or even years but sooner or later it will end and something else will replace it... If I give up now though then it will be forever."

I don't know what hurts more...is it the thought that love wasn't enough to keep you or is it the fact that no matter what I do and no matter what you did, I still can't hate you.

I ache for you. Know that.