Breakup Diary Day 6

We agreed to talk last night. He told me to wait for him and we will talk. So like the stupid girl that I am, I waited. Then I drifted to sleep. He never called. Not even a text message.

So I guess that's just it.

I wonder what's making me do the things I'm doing? Is it really love or just my constant search for conversations and companion? I'm sure I understand what love is and what it's not but with all other emotions and intentions mixed to it, it gets blurry.

A man making you feel good in bed is not love. An orgasm is not love. Good conversations does not necessarily shouts love. Needing someone does not always mean loving someone. Even sacrifice, the noblest of all, is not always done because love.

Wanting a person to be better, to do the right thing, to be happy even if that means you will be left out somewhere feeling like a loser...maybe that's love. If it's not, then that's just plain stupidity.

I'm not an expert on love. Really. My idea of it is somewhat messed up but I can make out the difference between that and other things.

So I'm gonna go out and jog with Weng. I need that to sweat the stress out. I need to find outlets for this ugly pain and insecurities I'm feeling. I need to run.

Breakup Diary Day 5

Breakup Diary

Day 5

Imploding.
I've been sleeping alot the past days. I guess that's my way of avoiding reality. Sweet escape. Sleeping.

I've been thinking alot about love and loneliness lately. Whenever I'm awake of course. Loneliness and love, if these two were illnesses, they have very similar symptoms and at times. Both will make you long for someone or miss having someone badly. Will make you wanna cry and feel pain and sadness and at times, when loneliness or love meets its remedy, they make you happy. And they make you do stupid things just to avoid the emotions. They cloud your thinking and your whole system. They sometimes turn you into an entirely different person. They make you become needy.

Now the question is... am I really inlove or am I just lonely?
And whats the cure for love? What's the cure for loniless?
Or is it that one is the cure for the other?

Breakup Diary Day 4

Breakup Diary

Day 4

I miss him. Still.Considering.
This room reminds me of him. Everything reminds me of him. But memories won't last me long. Memories can't keep me happy. A few minutes of nostalgia sometimes suffice. Sometimes it makes my day. Sometimes it lasts me a day or so but memories are memories. They might even be altered by the mind. Some may not even be true. That's what he is now. Memory of distant past.

I didn't even bother to send my usual "good morning" today. If he remembers me without that then well and good. If he doesn't, the idea won't kill me. See, I'm making progress. He sent me his "good morning" though. So he remembers me but who are we kidding? We are just buying us time before we fade away. We fade away very subtly.

Wierd things happened today. Knowing how my heart is broken, a good friend, Jethro is trying to play cupid. He gave my number, written on a tissue paper, to the waiter at Jappengo the other day when we had late lunch and late last night he broadcast my number on a television show so I was swamped with messages and calls from starnger as early as 1am. Most of the messages are perverted and the calls lifted my spirit alot that I was so inspired to murder someone. Anyway, I know he meant well or maybe it was again one of his pranks but I'll deal with it.

A good thinker for the day, Miko told me this when I got to the office and we had a little chitchat about love and heartaches and relationships, "the success of a relationship is in the hands of the one who cares less". Does it really? Is a relationship just a game where the person who cares less or loves less hold the cards? And whats at stake? The heart of the person who cares more? Such a sad thought but somehow, it rings true.

Breakup Diary Day 3

Breakup Diary

Day 3

I miss him.
I guess I will be starting each entry for the next few days with those three words. I-MISS-HIM. Notice how miss separates I and him. Aside from the space between each word, theres that one word that makes it imposible for I and him to be together simply because if you take that one word, it will lost its meaning. Some things are just not meant to be together. Some things fall apart when they are together. How ironic.

I'm back to my old routine. Well almost. I woke up at dawn and prepared myself to work. I was just in time to be late when I got to the office and that's my usual. In the surface, everything is normal. But when I woke up earlier, I thought of him and I reminded myself that there is no him. I said my good morning. That has been part of the routine for the last few months but I skipped the lover-like greetings. Good morning. Just that.

We exchanged a few messages here and there. The usual hahaha-hehehe. Those words are suppose to represent laughter that you share with the silly jokes that you two share. But today, they were bitter. They were not happy hahaha. There is no laugh in the hehehe. Those words are there only to cover the hurt and bitterness. Even those words which I doubt are even in the dictionary, even those are lies.

I had hopes that today will be easier and I guess it is. A little. It's easier by the day but it's still not easy. I'm hanging on to every message I receive from him hoping that there is something in there that would show at least a little regret from him or maybe a little sadness that we are parting ways and maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe, knowing that it's not easy for him either will make it easier for me but there's nothing there so I guess he is fine. Too bad I'm not.

So I hang around in the pantry with my friend and her friends. Had some good laughs and for about an hour there, I successfully evaded his memories. Not completely. I remembered him in every turn but who says a person with a broken heart can't have fun and laugh with her girlfriends right? I'm trying to be happy. One way or another, I'm trying to carry on with grace and pride.

Breakup Diary Day 2

Breakup Diary

Day 2


I miss him. This is the second day since we agreed on ending whatever it was that we had. I expected it to hurt but not this much. Just the thought of him makes my heart ache. I'm sure it's not just the man that I'm aching for but the friendship and the constant companion that I found in him.

Yesterday wasn't so bad as I spent most of it with my friends and I was halfway drunk. In my drunkin stupor, I rang him but hang up. I didn't really know what to tell him. I had so much to say but my head was so clouded and I didn't know where to start. I just wanted to hear that ring if only to assure me that even if we can't be together anymore, he is there and he is real and is still reachable one way or another.

I wasn't expecting him to be awake at 1 am but he was and he called me right back and we talked for hours and I got back in my old addiction and I called back over and over. I wonder how it feels to be like him. To be someone who is so hard to let go. Each minute I spent with him on the phone makes it harder for me hang up. His voice is soothing. For a few minutes there, I felt like everything is allright. He didn't give me any asurance, he didn't even try to hold me back but somehow I felt like every word out of his mouth, harsh or sweet, is pulling me back to him.

But I have to do this.

Day 2 is almost over. When I sleep tonight and when I wake up tomorrow it will be another day and I will face it with the same hope that the day after will be easi
er to live through.

Relationship and Questions

What defines a relationship?

Is it the first kiss you share with another person? Is it the first "I love you"? Or maybe your first big fight which ended in tears and kisses and i love you?

Is it when you expect him to message you the moment he wakes up because you will definitely message him as soon as your eyes open? Or is it when you expect him to say he misses you because thats exactly how you feel?


Is it when you wait for him at night hoping he will come "home" to you and you try hard to stay awake even when you are too tired just so you can welcome him with a kiss when he arrives? Is it when you take extra effort to prepare a meal for him with hopes that he will appreciate what you just created from scratch?

Is it when you start giving too much, your everything, and you expect him to give you something back, no matter how little, just something?

Is it when he expects you to be available for him whenever he needs you and even when you are not you actually find a way to be available? Or when he asks you to do something for him and even when your not really up to it you still do it just to make him happy?

Is it when he makes you cry and you make him feel sorry enough to actually say sorry? Or when he makes you mad and drives you crazy and you demand he call you and he does and you become madder and crazier in whole different passionate level?

Is it when you talk until the morning and it seems that you have too many things to talk about when in truth, you can't talk about the future because you know he is not planning on spending it with you and you can't talk about today because today is just borrowed and it hurts to talk about borrowed moments and all you talked about really is the past which you've already talked about way too many times, because that's the only thing you shared that's true or so you think?

Or is when you try to make him understand you and you wanna yell at him and hurt him just so he will at least have an idea of how much he hurt you but instead you turn your back and cover your face with a pillow and cry in silence?

Or is it when you realized your no longer happy being miserable and you just wanna run away and start over but you don't wanna hurt him or disappoint him and even if you don't wanna hurt yourself either, you take the path where he would hurt less even if you are not really sure if he cares enough to actually hurt?

Is this a relationship? What kind and what defines its kind?

04212010

You make me feel like I'm a dirty-little-secret and it hurts. I can hardly come up with words to decribe how that feels. It's like a slap in the face...over and over.

I want to think of you as someone who loved me. Thats how I always saw you. Thats what I have always believed. Now I wish I never get to know this part of you because it makes everything that I used to believe in, all but an illussion and its sad.

Now I just see you as someone who hurt me. I just see you as someone who used me to fill someone else's place but never quite gave me the chance to actually fill a space in your heart. Now I just see you as someone who made me feel bad about myself.

You took away what little trust I have left in love. You broke what little part of my heart left unbroken.

It's sad that you don't seem to notice what didn't survive in this whole process of me trying to deal with this whole situation you re making me deal with. It may seem like everything is fine. In the surface it's what it looks like. But deep inside, that thing that used to feel for you too much is rotting.

Things may seem to work even if I don't trust you enough or not at all but what you don't know is that every step taken to reach out for you, every step forward is two steps backward.

As much as I'd like to be someone who keeps pushing forward, who ignores all pain and deception, who loves with her eyes close, I am not that. I love with my eyes open...wide...and though there are things I see that I seem to ignore, every detail is noticed and remembered and collected until one day, I get enough of it to finally make me run away instead of just making those little-seemingly-trivial-steps.

I'm on the right track. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it's still in my list.

You make me feel like a fool I hate you!

The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

Sometimes when you've been in the same place for so long,you tend to forget the reason why you are there. You feel like you have to move and put yourself someplace else but where you are at now is too familiar that you think you are one with it when you actually are not.You are just a part of it,whatever it is.A tiny little part of something that if you look hard enough,you almost don't even count,not because you count less but because you would count more somewhere else. It is just not where you belong but you don't take the time to figure it out. You don't want to get out of your comfort zone even if it doesn't offer you the same comfort.



The morning you wake up, you know exactly what you have to do, you don't have to think about it,you just do.You did the same things yesterday after all.You've had more than enough practice.You can do it even with your eyes close. You've mastered the routine. It's the same shit on a different day. At times,you try to do things differently but at the end of the day, it is always as if you are just repeating yesterday and the day before it because yesterday too and the day before it, you tried little alterations.You always end up with the same result because you are too scared to take bigger risks,to make bigger changes because you are too scared you might actually change things.You want but are too scared to get what you want because you doubt if you can handle it.You're confidence have long faded.You are trapped in the weight of your own fears.So you take the same route every single day and each time, you fail to appreciate the things that you pass by.The people that you bump along the way. It is ceased to be the journey but the destination.





Those little decisions that used to get you up excited in the morning have long been decided on. All you do is just execute...just do and not think. Not even feel.





You've grown indifferent to the things that used to hurt you or used to make you happy. You think you are resilient but you don't actually heal.You just band-aid each wound and pretend they are not there.You can't even make out the difference between something and nothing, more and less,what is there and what is not anymore. You care,of course you do,but not nearly enough. You've become a slave of you own making and you find it too hard to get out because you don't really notice your bondage or even if you do,you are so used to it. You think that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.Well it does.Too strong really its superfluous and it keeps everyone else out.



What you don't know is that everyday,the redundancy is slowly killing your spirit. And then one day, you wake up and you don't even know yourself anymore.You look at the mirror and see a stranger who got lost in the world of expectations. And the longer you stay there, the deeper your heart, mind and spirit sleeps.





Neglect. It is what is lulling you to indifference. You neglect your own emotions.Your principles.The things you used to believe in. You neglect your dreams and put them behind until you forget you even had them. You neglect the pain,put them in a tiny box in your head and buried them too deep before you even get the chance to feel them and learn from them.The heartaches that are suppose to teach you something.The little joys of life. You even neglect your own impulse to reach out for things that you want to reach out for just because you want to.You become a handmaiden in a world of standards and you fail the meet those which you set for yourself.



You passed through life. You didn't really live it.