Astronaut Mode

I need space!

I'm glad he came back to my life. Even after all the heartaches. I'm glad I got the chance to get to know him better and one way or another, explained and made up for my mistakes. I'm glad there is such thing as second-chance even if it didn't really work as well as I wish it would have.

Before he came back, I was just broken and cynical and lost and stiff. I did too many stupid things, sometimes just because I was bored but mostly because I wanted to feel again. I longed for that strong passionate feeling, I longed to feel the ache again and the wanting. I longed to love again and I longed to feel human again. Not just the robot that I became who just do what she is expected to do and struggled to deviate every once in a while just so she will feel like shes still a person and she still lives. I was on autopilot and I was empty.

Being indifferent have its pros. It spares you from pain but it also blocks you from being happy and making other people happy. It keeps you from living.

I guess, when he came back, I realized that regardless of how badly I was bruised and scarred, I'm not totally numb. I am not totally empty. My heart is still functional and I can still love.

I'm glad he came back and I'm relieved I'm strong enough to let him go again.

I just figured that what is wrong with me is that I usually map out my dreams on someone else's dreams. I map out my life with hopes that someone will come along and fill the gaps that other people have left in my heart and in my life. And when someone comes along, in the very rare chances that I let anyone in, I tend to lose myself and just get absorbed in the whole idea of being together as one. I tend to lose the person that I am. For sometime there, I forgot that I don't really need anyone to make me whole. I only need myself to complete my whole being. I can't rely on other people to fill in the void because they most likely have voids and issues of their own and most likely, they will end up failing me and my great expectations.

To be independent isn't just about feeding thyself and washing thy own clothes or cooking thy own food or earning thy own dough. Its being me and being whole and living my own definition of success with or without a man. If someone comes along then I would very gladly welcome him but I can't be all lonely and shattered while waiting. A man should enhance the wonderful person in me and not dig for that person which I'm not sure is even there.

I need some time off to look for me again. And I will find me. That much I know. Because I won't stop until I do.