Forgetting is Easy...For You.

It hurts to be forgotten. More than anything else.

Sunday:

The beach was beautiful. The music was good. The night was made to make memories.I was standing there in the middle of the crowd. Cj was on the phone with her friend. I was trying to enjoy the music but all I ever thought about was him. I know he wasn't thinking about me. It's not very hard to figure out. How could someone be so alone and be so sad in such a festive night? As if to validate my thoughts, a guy came to me and asked me if I was alone and I said yes. I was. Alone and forgotten. I am not alone because I don't have any choice. I am alone because I chose someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am alone because I saved my love for someone who doesn't even care enough to remember.

Monday:

Still thinking what could have happened? Why the disconnect? I'm sure it wasnt something I've said because we didnt speak at all. Maybe he was busy. Too busy and I'm not in his calendar. Of course I'm not. He is under no obligation to communicate and I know that. But why do I wait? Sleep. Just when you badly need that escape, it won't come. Why is it so easy to forget me and why is it almost impossible for me not to think of him? Maybe tomorrow.

Tueday:

I survived three days without him. I've always been without him but one way or another he made his presence seem real but for the last three days, he wasn't. He is not real. He comes when he wants to and I close my eyes. When he is ready to leave, I wake up from the dream and I face the nightmare. It's always like that. He is just a product of my longings and delusions. I should stop anticipating. I should stop. You can't break what's not whole and you can't lose what's not yours. My reality and his reality are different. He was only there in my imaginary world and I was getting drunk in passion that was not real. I was holding on too hard to the illusion with hopes that one day they will become true but as I go on with my days, there was really no promise of him to be there. I survived three days without him, I will just have to repeat the process.

Where Is That Wallet Again?

I lost my wallet yesterday with my spending money on it and some bill payments. I tried to retrace my steps and remembered where I could have left it yet to no avail. I hate losing something...anything. Well who likes losing things right? Specially cash. Well anyway, I'm glad I have friends to help me just laugh it off and make being "broke" not seem so bad.

Jethro is really something. He is crazy and he helped me brush off the negative energy. Reminding me of how other people could be worse off. Weng on the other hand is another story. She takes my mind completely off the topic and switched it her point of interest. Sex.




Jethro: Maybe someone else needs it more than you do.

Meloy: Who would need it more than I do?

Jethro: Someone who's family member is in the hospital?

Meloy: Well, my lolo is in the hospital!

Jethro: Someone who needs to buy food or something.

Meloy: I need to buy food or something!

Jethro: Or someone who needs to buy new shoes and bag or maybe threat his friends out.

Meloy: Oh...okay. I'm officially broke.

Weng: Hahaha! At least you know you are not alone in times like this.

Weng: I think I don't like sex as much anymore.

Meloy: Maybe you're in "married mode". They say you tend to lose interest in sex once your married.

Weng: Then I don't wanna get married.





So I just laughed it off though I was really pissed. That's just me.. I laugh and I cry. I was gonna write about it yesterday but I was too sad to write about anything.

Jule called me within 5 minutes after I told him about it and offered to send me some cash. I'm actually very touched that he didn't even waste time to come to my rescue. I hope one day I can figure out a way to let him know just how much I appreciate him.




Meloy: I wanna cry! I lost my wallet.

Jule: Buang! hahahaha sure?

Meloy: Yep...For real.


---phone ringing---

Jule: Forget about it. I'll send you money later.

Meloy: I'm still pissed. It's hard-earned money but thank you. You really care too much about me huh!

Jule: Of course. (laughing)





And CJ.. who could forger CJ. She's always in the picture and I love her. She's my boyfriend and I am her's but we are not boys. We are lovers but definitely not lesbians.



---phone ringing---

Cj: do still have extra money?

Meloy: nope but I'm fine.

Cj: I can lend you some.

Meloy: Its okay. Jule is sending me some.

Cj: Okay good. Let me know if you need extra cash.




Oh well, I'm glad I have friends and I'm glad it's just cash. It could have been worst...say like...more cash? Hahaha!

So a lot of people offered to treat me out to lunch or dinner and coffee since yesterday. I sort of became a charity case but I don't really mind. It's not often that I get freebies. I'm glad a lot of people care about me and like me enough to wanna share a meal with me.

Life is good and I'm counting my blessing.

Afternoon Delight

I'm looking forward to seeing my cousin. It's been years since we went out,5 years. Since she graduated from college and got pregnant and got married (in that order) and had 3 more kids after, things drastically changed. She became someone's wife and those cute little kiddo's mother. Amd we use to spend so much time together. Watched movies, talked 'till morning, we even shared a bedroom and we never fought. We spent childhood, college and all those phases in between, together, before she got married.I really miss her. I mean I love those little kids and I don't have anything against Herbert (her husband), he is a good man but I sort of feel like I was robbed of my Jennifer. She sort of just disappeared. Now I finally was able to steal her back...at least for the rest of the afternoon and I'm happy.

To Rowena: One day, I will write about you. It will be along detailed entry with more of my opinions and insights than your life's details but it will be about you.

A Walk To Forget

I ran and walked for a good hour and half, non-stop, alone. And damn I feel good. It feels good to be able to sweat out the stress and maybe some of the loneliness. How about that, instead of crying the excess fluid, i can just run and sweat it out and I get more benefits than just swollen eyes and broken spirit. I can chose to feel good about myself or at least do something to feel just that than dwell on the things that just makes me sad. It's a good therapy. Walking has always helped me clear my head.

I just realized that I'm a person of way too many realizations. HAHA! I think that's awfully funny. I have too many ideas and very little action to actually realize my realizations. I think too much.

Now what do I do about that?

Hmmmm... Lemme think.


Election day is over and the counting started early today. Alot of people were cynical about the election. Some didn't vote because they think none of the candidates were deserving and they don't think any of those candidates will make a better Philippines. Oh well, deserving or not, someone is going to get elected and if none of those candidates are deserving to lead the country, we should at least help chose the most deserving of the least deserving. We should never lose hope that things will get better. A president is one huge factor in making a good country and a good government but he is not the only person that counts. Every Filipino counts and we should never forget that. This country will see better days. Sooner or later.

Astronaut Mode

I need space!

I'm glad he came back to my life. Even after all the heartaches. I'm glad I got the chance to get to know him better and one way or another, explained and made up for my mistakes. I'm glad there is such thing as second-chance even if it didn't really work as well as I wish it would have.

Before he came back, I was just broken and cynical and lost and stiff. I did too many stupid things, sometimes just because I was bored but mostly because I wanted to feel again. I longed for that strong passionate feeling, I longed to feel the ache again and the wanting. I longed to love again and I longed to feel human again. Not just the robot that I became who just do what she is expected to do and struggled to deviate every once in a while just so she will feel like shes still a person and she still lives. I was on autopilot and I was empty.

Being indifferent have its pros. It spares you from pain but it also blocks you from being happy and making other people happy. It keeps you from living.

I guess, when he came back, I realized that regardless of how badly I was bruised and scarred, I'm not totally numb. I am not totally empty. My heart is still functional and I can still love.

I'm glad he came back and I'm relieved I'm strong enough to let him go again.

I just figured that what is wrong with me is that I usually map out my dreams on someone else's dreams. I map out my life with hopes that someone will come along and fill the gaps that other people have left in my heart and in my life. And when someone comes along, in the very rare chances that I let anyone in, I tend to lose myself and just get absorbed in the whole idea of being together as one. I tend to lose the person that I am. For sometime there, I forgot that I don't really need anyone to make me whole. I only need myself to complete my whole being. I can't rely on other people to fill in the void because they most likely have voids and issues of their own and most likely, they will end up failing me and my great expectations.

To be independent isn't just about feeding thyself and washing thy own clothes or cooking thy own food or earning thy own dough. Its being me and being whole and living my own definition of success with or without a man. If someone comes along then I would very gladly welcome him but I can't be all lonely and shattered while waiting. A man should enhance the wonderful person in me and not dig for that person which I'm not sure is even there.

I need some time off to look for me again. And I will find me. That much I know. Because I won't stop until I do.

Truth and Consequences

After 6 days and 5 blogs entries, I stopped writing. I got busy and I mean really busy. I went out with friends and cousins and ran errands and practically just moved on. I wasn't really making very much progress in that moving on part but I was at least trying to get back the life that I had before he came and disturb my system. I was hurting less.

So he asked me to call him the other day and I did. He broke a really sad news. She cheated on him too and now she's pregnant with another guy's baby. He asked me if it makes me happy that he is now free. I said no because really, other people's pain doesn't make me happy...specially his. I hate seeing his heart getting broken. I hated myself for breaking his heart before.

If this was a movie and I was a mere viewer, I would hate her and pity him and be happy for the bitch who's been waiting in the corner wishing one day she will get her chance to have him. But I am that bitch and I am not clapping my hands and leaping with joy. If anything, I feel like a spare tire.All the while I was feeling guilty for loving a man who's not ready for the taking, they were both out there fucking other people. All the time I was feeling evil for wanting what's not mine, they were there making room for entruders. I didn't want to ruin them so I kept my distance but they went ahead and ruined what they had anyway.

How could people lie like that? How could you say " i love you" and sleep in another person's bed at night? How could you send happy messages of love and devotion to someone while fucking someone else? I'm not trying to come clean because I'm as dirty as heel too but all I did was love and I did it will all honesty I can handle. I even wore my heart on my sleeve even if it means losing what little pride I have left. I guess even when I'm cynical, I'm still a romantic or maybe, I'm just honest not because I'm a bad liar but because lies are very toxic. I should know. I learned well.

Karma is a bitch. I will really slap you hard in the fce and knock you down until you recognize it. You get what you put in and sometimes in a very cruel way, you get more.

I wish there's anything I can do to make him feel better. He is my friend after all.

There's this woman who loves him like a man but that woman is all too damaged. She can't help him pickup the pieces of his broken heart because she is still trying to figure out a way to pickup the broken pieces of hers but then there's this other person in her who loves him deerly as her friend and that person's heart is always whole and always overflowing for her friends. And all she want is to see him through. She just want him to be better and to carry on like the man that she knows.

As for me, i'll just try to be a good person and as much as I can, be real because that is the only thing that keeps me from being completely cynical. Just because other people lie doesn't mean I have to too. At least that way, if I do hurt anyone, it's because it's true and if I do hurt myself, I know I wasn't fooling and I am still me....and I don't want bad karma. It sucks.