Screw Me

I'm a smart-fool.

That much I can say about myself. Somehow I feel like I'm going around in circles. I've been in this very situation before and if I am as smart as I'm giving myself credit for, I should know what to do already and I should have a very good idea on how this will possibly end but I guess I'm not. It's like something keeps dragging my feet and whenever I feel like I'm already taking a step forward, I step into something familiar and I realize a whole step is not even a whole step.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I really just wanna be happy already. Now thats the second hardest declaration I've made after having admitted that I'm emotionally screwed up. I mean, there are alot of men, too many of them actually but a good man who can make me feel good about myself and about life is rare. I'm quite picky I should say, not that I have the best men to choose from but hey, I have to set my own standards even if I know I'm most likely not to meet them. Love is different,it usually doesnt fit into my own logical thinking but it just makes sense. Now the very few people I trusted my heart with broke it. There are two things there, my heart and my trust but somehow, with both tainted and shattered in all ways possible, I still cannot delete whats already felt. I don't seem to learn. I am that kind of person. Once its done, its done. Once loved, I cannot unlove. I guess thats my downfall. I keep repeating my own history.

I am not expecting someone to have me figured out cz thats near to imposible as I myself couldnt quite figure me out. I just want someone who, instead of criticizing my actions and taking them against me, will understand my reasons or at least care enough to try. Just someone who will make himself available for me. Someone who won't put me in a position where I would have to choose between doing the right thing and whats convenient cz I swear, I can choose convenience for sometime and do what feels good but I'll eventually end up doing what is right because as crazy as I am, I'm not a bad person. I can't be happy at the expense of another person's misery.