Just Choke Up and Die

Each time I start writing good stuff about someone or something, they/it always tend to go bad. Therefore I conclude, my ink is not jinxed, nor am I. They are.Then again, I can't stop writing nor can I stop doing things and seeing people so I will just deal with my bad luck.(LOL)

So Israel sent me a text message yesterday saying he did not go to his office because he was sick. I asked him what he was sick of and got no reply. So I messaged him again, "I hope you're still alive" and I went on with my life. He messaged me this morning telling me he have a cough, this and that, and thanked me for my concern. So I said I'm not at all concerned and went ahead and asked him to pick-up the design I had his draftsman do for me. His draftsman calls me "My Majesty". Israel calls me "My Queen". I'm such a bitch.

Truth is, I am pissed. I was worried about him and I am sort of hurt that he didn't ask for me. Sure I was concerned. I wondered how he was and hoped he would ask me to nurse him back to health or something cheesy like that. But he didn't. So he and his cough can go to hell. For all I care.

This is what's wrong with me,among other things of course, I have way too much pride. It would be impossible to swallow pride this much. I'm gonna choke and die if I try. (LOL)

Hope and Romance

I am a hopeless romantic. Contrary to what most people see me for, I am a romantic. I know that for sure. I listen to love songs alot. Not the typical tear-jerking love songs Whitney and Mariah sings but hard-core love songs, hard-core emo kids, dizzy looking men and paint-faced artists sing or shout.See, I am one dizzy,hard core romantic. (LOL)

Recently I met a new friend. His name is Israel. He is a Civil Engineer and has been very handy given all my school works(I'm a Civil Engineer wanna-be). He asked me if I will see him again even when I don't have any more projects that I would need him to do or help me for. Funny he asked me that, I was asking myself the same question. Just last night, I got my answer. When he made me dinner, listened to me whine most of the night,gave me a back rub and sang for me while playing the guitar, I knew I'll see him again. Specially that his cousin told me that I'm always welcome in thier house and I don't have to do dishes in their kitchen, I'll be stupid not to see him again. Damn, I'm romantic.

 I like the way he makes me feel. The way he looks at me like I just amuse him each time. I like that adoring stare, makes me feel likeable. I appreciate that he understands my loonies and puts up with my stupor. It's a relief that he is there when I need him and not when I don't. This thing that we have, whatever it is, it's refreshing.

Yet,distrust is always stronger than romance. So I guess in that sense, I am terribly hopeless.

     I don't know why I'm even here.Maybe I'm just bored or just plain stupid.There are a lot of things that I do that I don't understand...much more justify.I don't know what awaits me hanging out with...shall we say... kids. I just want to know how life is for them. If it is as hard as it was for me...or as fun, because it has been fun...extremely so..

      I want to know if they get to realize the things that I realize now...young as they are.And maybe,I want to know what I really want to do and where exactly I should be. Is there really one place a person is suppose to be at one time or is that just an ideal that many people bank on?Is there really an act that one person should be doing at one time in that exact moment or is that just an ideal that people hold on to in hopes of having better days with munch better judgements as today?

     Tomorrow is not promised.We know that.But don't we all wish for as better tomorrow? When things get rough...isn't that thought what gets us up in the morning? That hope that maybe...this one I won't mess it up as I did yesterday? Amazing how simple and complicated life can get all at the same time. If we look at it in concept...its all so simple but when we look into its details...its more complicated that we expect it to be.

Mornings and Chances

Feb. 20th, 2009 at 1:45 AM This is me starting over. The good thing about life is that every morning... sunshine or not...there is always a promise of a new start. Though sometimes, its feels like its the same shit on a different day. Being one of those people who's body clock is set to be reset ever so often, I don't count days by mornings nor nights. I used to count every shift, every night I spend awake and every sleepless day or sometimes dawns, and I count how many shifts I would need to suffer through until rest days or paydays. Somehow along the way, I just stopped counting. I only keep track of paydays which reminds me that I'm halfway through the month and when a new month is starting. So there are only two dates for me...the 15th and the 30th... But I love mornings...when I walk home from my shift around 8 every morning...I always feel brand new. Tired but I feel refreshed at the thought that I get another shot at life. Anyway,I realized that life is just like a pad of paper. Each day is a new sheet. There are always marks that we don't want on our sheets, marks from the past and those of the present which are out of our control but most of the page are ours for the day and its up to us on how we want our story written and our colors painted. There is always a chance to start over... until our sheets run out.

To you Lolo

03032012 by Mary Elouise Rosal on Saturday, 

March 3, 2012 at 5:49pm ·

      I’ll be looking at your shell for the last time tonight.I didn’t come to see you,not this way but I know I just have to.I have to see whats left of you for the last time.I have to see those hands that used to carry me.That face,so dignified,so arogant looking.Those arms I used to sleep on.Im glad,even in your stillness I still see your smile.I cant hear your voice anymore.Your songs that used to put me to sleep.Your smell will soon fade in this house.Lola will surely wash everything clean.Your love stays.

     You celebrated my coming,I know you did and Im sorry I just find it too hard to celebrate your going.I find it too hard to say goodbye.I will miss you too much lolo.I hope you know how much I love you.My only consolation now is the thought that wherever you are,you are happy,you can eat all the sweets you want.No more sneaking.

The thought of you still brings her pain and with her being her and you being the ‘you’ you are to her,it forever will.

As much as she does not regret her decisions,she regret yours.As much as she does not regret her life,she wish you did things differently.Maybe then,just maybe,she won’t be caught between love and frustration the way she is now.As much as she wants to move past the past,you are in her present and for as long as she lives,part of you is part of her,for you and a part of you brought her here.She can never escape you as much as she try.

The fact that she thinks of you and feels the way she feels when she does only shows she cares.Enough to only wish you well.She wants you to be a better person,to make better judgements,to live up to the sapience of your age because the person you helped create still want to believe in redemption and goodness in people.She just hope to get her validation.From you.