Mental Vomit

Sometimes when you've been in the same place for so long,you tend to forget the reason why you are there. You feel like you have to move and put yourself someplace else but where you are at now is too familiar that you think you are one with it when you actually are not.You are just a part of it,whatever it is.A tiny little part of something that if you look hard enough,you almost don't even count,not because you count less but because you would count more somewhere else. It is just not where you belong but you don't take the time to figure it out. You don't want to get out of your comfort zone even if it doesn't offer you the same comfort.

The morning you wake up, you know exactly what you have to do, you don't have to think about it,you just do.You did the same things yesterday after all.You've had more than enough practice.You can do it even with your eyes close. You've mastered the routine. It's the same shit on a different day. At times,you try to do things differently but at the end of the day, it is always as if you are just repeating yesterday and the day before it because yesterday too and the day before it, you tried little alterations.You always end up with the same result because you are too scared to take bigger risks,to make bigger changes because you are too scared you might actually change things.You want but are too scared to get what you want because you doubt if you can handle it.You're confidence have long faded.You are trapped in the weight of your own fears.So you take the same route every single day and each time, you fail to appreciate the things that you pass by.The people that you bump along the way. It is ceased to be the journey but the destination.

Those little decisions that used to get you up excited in the morning have long been decided on. All you do is just execute...just do and not think. Not even feel.

You've grown indifferent to the things that used to hurt you or used to make you happy. You think you are resilient but you don't actually heal.You just band-aid each wound and pretend they are not there.You can't even make out the difference between something and nothing, more and less,what is there and what is not anymore. You care,of course you do,but not nearly enough. You've become a slave of you own making and you find it too hard to get out because you don't really notice your bondage or even if you do,you are so used to it. You think that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.Well it does.Too strong really its superfluous and it keeps everyone else out.

What you don't know is that everyday,the redundancy is slowly killing your spirit. And then one day, you wake up and you don't even know yourself anymore.You look at the mirror and see a stranger who got lost in the world of expectations. And the longer you stay there, the deeper your heart, mind and spirit sleeps.

Neglect. It is what is lulling you to indifference. You neglect your own emotions.Your principles.The things you used to believe in. You neglect your dreams and put them behind until you forget you even had them. You neglect the pain,put them in a tiny box in your head and buried them too deep before you even get the chance to feel them and learn from them.The heartaches that are suppose to teach you something.The little joys of life. You even neglect your own impulse to reach out for things that you want to reach out for just because you want to.You become a handmaiden in a world of standards and you fail the meet those which you set for yourself.

You passed through life. You didn't really live it.

The Letter

FROM June 2006

     Here's a letter that I wrote him. The last one I ever sent.

   Promise Un-kept. Letter Unopened.

     Those were the days...

     Now I can only look back and think about how things were between us. I try to think of the good times only but the bad times most often cloud my memories. There had been so many good times yet most of them, I can't help but associate with the tears. I've learned so much from you and though I can't really say I have no regrets, I am grateful for everything that you have done for me cz I won't be where I'm at, I won't be who I am if I did not go through what I went through.

     The laughter we've shared are priceless,I will forever treasure them.You will always have a special spot in my heart that no matter where life get me, you will always be a part of me. With you I grew up to be a person of courage. I learned to fight for what I want and accept the reality that I simply cannot have it all. I learned to sacrifice and give in. I learned to give and I got to know the joy of getting something in return. I learned to stand up after hard falls and most of all, I learned to love myself more.

We've been together for such a short time but it seems like I've known you all my life. I never knew a person so deeply as much as I know you and I've never been as open to someone as I am to you. In you, I found refuge, I found a friend, I found comfort, I found love. I can never put into words what you really mean to me, words are too simple, my feeling are too complex, you are too special.

     Finally, the word that we've been dreading to say is haunting us... it has always been there, for so long, waiting to be said. Finally, it's goodbye.

     I hate having to let you go. I held on for so long and so did you. We've tried but it's not just for us. Giving up is easier for me now but it still isn't as easy as I wish it is... I did everything that I'm at the luxury of doing. I gave all that I can give. I saved too little for myself. What I have left is not about to be given away now... I am keeping whatever I can keep. I need to start my life... on my own.

No matter what happen, I will always be your friend. I opened my heart to you first, it will never ever close on you. I will always be here fort you but I won't be exactly where you've left me. I will definitely move on. I have forgiven you and sooner or later, I will heal.

     We need to save at least our friendship. I need to let you go before I start hating you forever. I need to let you go before I hurt myself even more. I need to let go before I start hurting you too. Your friendship means more to me that any other thing you can offer. You are my closest friend, the one I always run to when I am in tears even if most of the time it's you who is making me cry.

     Right now I am running in uncertainty. Knowing not where to go and what to do next. It's so hard to start over, so hard to take life back after laying it down for someone who doesn't really take it. It's so hard living on my own and knowing that I really am on my own. I am drowning in confusion right now but I am hopeful... I can manage.

     If there is anything I am sure of right now, it's that I love you and I love you with all my heart.

Photograph and Memories

       I bumped into this old post I wrote some years back. Reading it now, I feel like I'm reading through someone else's story.

     Sure enough, I've moved on.

2009

     Its nice to wake up with a man. It feels so good waking up with someone you feel strongly about and knowing that its not a hang-over you are nursing but something very akin to love or maybe it is.

     The hardest part about waking up with someone though is when you wake up one morning and you realize and finally decide that you have to wake up for real. It hurts leaving someone in your bed thinking that it might be the last time that you will see him there. That it might be the last time you will ever get kiss him for a long time or maybe never again. That it would be the last time you can smell him... hold him. That as much as you would like to stay and cuddle until maybe forever, it's a luxury you cannot afford anymore.

     I can't keep paying a high price for psuedo-happiness. For one, its fake and its breaking me up. I want him to stay and maybe he will but I cannot. I have to move on and try to find true happiness. Last night as I was holding him, my heart and my head were battling over staying or leaving. The good thing about mornings though is that they give new hope and promise of a fresh start. And as I kiss him goodbye, it really is goodbye. For now at least.

     I'm hoping he will understand and I'm hoping he won't hurt as much as I am hurting. He deserves to be happy. He really does and so do I. I wanted to stay for a few more days at least and spend the weekends with him before I say goodbye but I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I might change my mind. Today is all I have. I only have enough strength and heart to run away. I can't even talk.

     Last night, as I waited for sleep to come, that tiny picture of them kept flasing in my head. All smiles and happy. I want to snatch her off and put my happy face in there. I kinda wish she is off the picture so we can try to figure this out but that's just wishful thinking. I can't be happy that way. I'm not that bad a person. As much as I try and lower down the volume of this little voice in my head called 'conscience', it is there and when everything is quite, it is all I hear and I'm compelled to listen. I have to figure this out myself...alone.

     He is just lonely and I'm a convenient substitute. It's the lowest I've stooped and it's shameful. I'm pathetic and much as I hate to admit, maybe desperate. I'm a fool and I wanna cry.

     I know I'm not the most trust worthy person in the world. I have earned his distrust. I made alot of mistakes and I'm not trying to make excuses. Just one thing I want him to understand, everything I did, I didn't do to hurt him. I did what I did so I would hurt less.

     I'm doing this for myself. I can't keep holding on to what isn't mine. I deserve someone who can and will stand up for me. Someone I won't have to share with someone else. Someone who will have enough love and respect for me to never want to hurt me. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone who will endulge me and the conversations I attempt to start. Someone who will listen. Someone I can trust. Because I swear, I will do everything for the right man.

     Now I don't know what awaits me but I've been here too many times. I've been alone too long and I'm somehow used to it. I've learned to cope but I guess I'm gonna have to learn again. It's hard to start over again and again. It's hard taking the first step and move forward. I don't even know which way to go but I know I can't stay where I'm at now. I have to move on. I don't know what I want, just what I don't want and I know I don't want to treat myself like I'm stupid because I'm not.

     I'm afraid he will text me or call me or worst, see me because it will be torture. It might break every defenses I've built over the last few hours since I decided to stop being a bitch and do the right thing. I'm broken but I can't fall apart now. I have to do this.

     I hope I have left good enough memories for him to remember me every once in a while. That's all I'm asking for now. To be remembered. Because he will always hold a place in my heart. Always. Nothing beats the thrill of the first and I've shared many firsts with him and thats something no man can ever replace. It doesn't even matter now if I love him or not but since he asked and I never was able to answer him, I'll say it this once, yes I do and I do alot. Maybe in another place and time I can show him that.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

You said, you know you are not my type. Maybe you are right. But I like you regardless. I want you around all the time. I miss you when you are not there. I long for you to notice me and to appreciate the things I do. I'm like a little child hungry for your attention. I want you too badly and I don't really understand why.You make me feel like a teenage school-girl, infatuating, lusting, day dreaming about a man and not telling anyone. I remember asking for a man who would make my heart skip a beat and you did. I asked for a man who can make me laugh and you did too. I asked for someone whom I can spill my guts to and just be myself with and I got you. Now I am asking for a man I can keep.

"Breaking up is hard to do."

Indeed it is. Not only because I have to break up with you but because I have to break away from the people around you whom I have learned to love. I hope somehow, I have made them feel just how much I appreciate them and have enjoyed their company. They all felt like 'home' to me and I love them sincerely. I guess I will be missing them as much as I will be missing you.

If it's any consolation, walking away from you is not at all fun. It is very sad that 'we' have to end before we even came to be. I wish things are different. I wish things can be different. I am melo-dramatic. I make a big deal out of every flaw because I am afraid they will fade out in my eyes as my feelings magnify. I don't want to act blind. I am not looking for 'perfect', I know it doesn't exist. I am just looking for consistent. Unfortunately, your attention span seem to be worst than mine. Your affection only lasted 10 minutes. I was left in the corner, lovelorn and frustrated. I expected you to be better but who am I to expect, right? I am not better than anything. I guess I left you in the limelight battered and shamed. I'm thinking I am too much for you. Too honest. Too deep. Too harsh. And maybe too damaged.

So what happened? What went wrong? Here's what. I am falling in. You seem to have fallen out. You chased, I ran. I had a change of heart, I stopped to meet you, you started to walk back. But I refuse chase you. It won't give us a good headstart if I do. Chasing will only get me exhausted and bitter. I want to meet you right where I stopped. I tried to get you to stop walking back. That equates to me chasing. See, I tried. Maybe not hard enough but I tried.

Didn't you notice it when I cooked you a meal and gave you a massage when you were sick even when I was dead tired? Sure I complained a bit because I was dead tired but I did it anyway didn't I? I even rubbed your feet!How fun was that?

Didn't you get a hint when I came by even when it was too late for dinner and was raining, just so I can eat potato leaves with you? I told you I never ate those but I swallowed those damn leaves. For you! I even listened to your ex-tales. I didn't want to hear those, at least not yet, or maybe never, but you wanted your story told so I pretended to be interested. I ended up with a headache but I didn't slap you with blames did I? I just asked for a paracetamol. I ironed your pants too! Didn't that tell you anything? You burned your arm with the flat iron but it wasn't my fault that you were careless. If those things that I did didn't send any message across then you are stupid.

Sure I dropped some rather harsh pickup lines on you but that was me being cute and crazy!

"Are you a nail? cz I wanna hammer your head." I was pissed off and I could have hammered your head for real but I didn't. Instead I came up with that cute line.

"Are you a monkey?Looks natural." Damn that was funny, wasn't it?

"Are you a spider? Can you crawl over me?" Now that is downright sweet and sexy!

Sure I denied you of coitus but didn't I satisfy you in other ways?

Oh well, now that I'm going, whos gonna say mean things to you now? Who's gonna laugh at you in the morning because you slept-talk the night before? Who's gonna wake you up at dawn with kisses and naughty deeds? Who's math problems and thesis are you gonna do now? Who's gonna drunk-talk to you? I'm sure you'll find someone else. Maybe not half-way as crazy as I am. Not as fun. Maybe a better person that I am. I hope so.

Who am I gonna trash-talk now? Whos house am I gonna visit for food? Who am I gonna hold some nights? Who am I gonna love? I know I'll find someone else but I wish I don't have to. I wish I can keep you. Maybe we can be happy together. Maybe that's just too much to ask.

The Walk

                        

 "The day you start taking me for granted is the day I start walking away".

I know I am hard to figure out. I am hard to understand. I do so many things that eludes reason and defies logic. I am crazy and I am random. Every now and then, I act stupid. I can be delusional sometimes but mostly, I'm a realist. I see things as they are and I break things down and magnify the details. That's how i complicate things.

See, as simple as I am, I too am complex. My complexities goes beyond euphoria. I am insane. I want to know so much but truths are always awful so I avoid them. What I don't know often hurts me. What I know, hurts me too. Sometimes, they just make me laugh. In sarcasm. In many of my psychedelic moments, I know I can be cruel. I am selfish. I can be everything at once. Yet I know, I deserve good things. I know I deserve to be happy considering.

I've been asked several times, what makes me happy. I don't trust enough to even bother to answer. Why would I? If they know what can make me happy, will they give it to me? Can they? I know what makes me happy. I know what I deserve. I just can't qualify them. Much more, quantify them. That's the beauty of it. Knowing the object and not knowing it's boundaries. It makes it infinite. It makes things exciting.

Like I always say, I don't know many things for sure but I know that once you take me for granted, surely I'll walk away. I might stall but I won't stop moving 'till I'm out. That's how I do things. I don't care if I cry when I walk out. All I will ever care about is my escape. For I know, one day, it will all pass and I will be fine again. That's what make me beautiful. My resilience.

Let Go Too Soon

Hey you! Yes you! I know you will never get to read this so hear me out. I'm talking to you in spirit. If you listen close enough and try to analyze my breathing or snores while I sleep beside you, you might actually get something.

If you can't keep up with me, maybe you shouldn't stay close. I'm not insensitive. I feel. Too much even but I just don't go around showing it. I know sometimes I am impossibly selfish and cruel but that is part of my defense. I can't put up a wall and not put anything to guard it. That is how I protect myself. Otherwise, I might just end up in the same dark spot I was on, one too many times in the past.

Sure I have fears and I nurse them too well. I admit that.But this is how I survive. I am way too complicated, too calloused. Hard-core. I know. But I care. About so many things other than myself. I care about you. Just don't expect me to wear my heart on my sleeve because I won't. I can't go falling for someone who might be in this just for the thrill of the chase and nothing more. It sucks that I see things this way. It hurts even seeing beautiful things like this slowly fade away because I too can't keep up. If only...

If only you would give me reasons to trust you. If only I can trust you even for no reason at all. If only. I wish I can tell you all this. I wish you care enough to listen. I know I should not expect more than what I am giving. But I can't help but expect more than what I am getting.

I really just wanna be happy already. I know how to love. I too have a heart. Please don't color me heartless. Please understand that as much as I want to hold you, I have to hold out. Please be patient. Please be here for me regardless.

You and I, we have a chance but I need you to work on me, butter me up, soften my heart, founder these walls I built inside. Change my mind.

Rest and Peace

"Rest if you must but never surrender".

This life is draining.Emotionally, physically and financially (HAHA!). At times, it sucks my zeal away and my enthusiasm fades along with the days.Circumstances strains my mood and my relationships and lack thereof.

Rest. That is what I need. I just can't quite figure out what 'rest' is to me now. Is it sleep? Food? Family time? Me-time? Days with none to do but lounge? Mind-blowing sex? Love perhaps? Probably all of the above.

In reality, I can't have it all. That is true for everyone (I hope so, for fairness' sake). Therefore I have to choose. So if I am to choose one, which? What is rest and how does it work? In a life as complicated as mine, simple joys are my last refuge.

I know a lot of times, I ask for too much but really, all I want is a little consistency and one specially beautiful day that would make me wish that things will never ever change, and maybe, just stay in there for a little longer that just a day. :)